Silence

2007-08-07T09:04:00.001+08:00

Dear anonymous,

Can I ever justify how I feel now about you now? My thoughts about you is the perfect form of irrationality, I think I am going to go mental very soon in this state, counting it on to your absence. Emotional Dependency, until today I can't help but see that we have ensnared each other with words that we can never mean, this happens when two individuals desperate for love come together, we feed off each other.

Today is the day where I don't care how good it is for us to be apart, because I can no longer deny the flood of emotions overcoming me, your presence has been a phantom limb in my life, cruelly cut off, coolly ignored, but sorely reminded.

Today is also the day when I cannot see how I can be put back together, my missing pieces are like ashes scattered in the ocean. I do not blame you, you are far too dear to me, yet my heart screams the encore of rejection, the words that you told me really seemed like nothing to you, do they not? I am so sorry that I have became so used to you, that I have allowed protective barriers to fall and look how it has made us, when expectations and insecurity act like long fingernails that scratches and pierce the fragility of our relationship, and months ago when the bomb was dropped things had never been the same.

What am I going to do about you? Damn it, I wish I can at least cry, but no tears are coming, but with each thud of my heart the all familiar pain resonates. I can never say that I regretted what we are now, because I never will, you have been the few lights on my dark path and I can only blame myself. How now? How am I going to move on in life when you're gone and out of the picture, without even saying a proper goodbye? How now? When all futile effort of reconciliation that I make is waved off like nothing is wrong with us. And yet things were never the same again, I'm sorry I rushed, I am sorry that I am not a good enough person to be with, I am sorry for my inability and my imperfections. I am sorry, but you never cared enough to give me a chance to apologize.

So many, so many, so many people have walked out on me, I don't know will I ever let anyone in ever again, and the lingering presence of those who are still here, but never cared enough cast a bitter shadow on me. Oh how in the world am I suppose to live anymore? When you have been the last person that I can be myself with and look at what we are now. When you said that you'll try your best to be there, when you said that you'll walk me through this but where are you now when I need you the most and what are you doing now?

I can't do this alone, I just need someone to be constant in my life, to be there, but no one ever was. I know I am asking too much but can you blame me? What more can an outcast like me ask? But I know that words said cannot be taken back, I know and I know, I am broken beyond repair, and no one, not even you would want to play with a broken toy. But I really don't know how to carry on living anymore, you have been my last candle, but now, the wind has come and stolen it's light.

And I am left for death in complete darkness.

有话说不出来

2007-08-02T21:16:00.000+08:00

或许你也不知是你.
我真的无心再猜.
爱你,是真的,
可是,对你我都很疼
我应该猜到.
可是我不能转身.
只好静静的看你离开.
历史会一直重演.
早就好学会
如何度过没爱的人生.

珊瑚海
周杰倫

男：
爱拼命云端开始阴霾
悲伤要怎麼平静重来
花的狠笑是种假的
淹没千千的无奈

女：
你用唇语说你要离开　
男：
情不在
合：
他难过无声的留下来
汹涌潮水
一定明白
可是让人湿泪喊

男：转身离开认真说不出来
女：你有话说不出来

合：海鸟跟鱼相爱只是一场意外

男：我们的爱争议一直存在
女：给你的爱争议一直存在回不来

男：永久真爱竟累积成伤害
女：等待经历几次伤害

合：转身离开分手说不出来
蔚蓝的珊瑚海错过瞬间苍白

男：当初彼此不够成熟坦白
女：你有我的不够成熟坦白不应该

男：热情不改笑容隐藏不来
女：你的笑容勉强不来　
合：爱深埋珊瑚海

男：
毁坏的沙雕如何重来
有裂痕的爱怎麼重改
只是一切结束太快
你说你无法释怀

女：
悲歌里隐藏什麼期待　
男：
等花儿开

合：我们也已经无心再猜
女：脸上海风　
男：脸上海风
女：咸咸的爱　
男：咸咸的爱
合：嚐不出还有未来

Ridiculous!

2007-08-02T21:00:00.000+08:00

Ridiculous #1
'Ethics in teaching' Lecturer professes that if a girl is raped in a 'disco or other so called provocative spots' it's her fault. Cari pasal konon. (trans: Brought it on to herself it seems.)
Ridiculous #2
If a family member rapes a girl and she doesn't report to authorities immediately it means that she 'wants' it too.
Ridiculous #3
A bunch of future teachers nodding up and down as if the lecturer himself is passing on some extremely-valuable-life-altering-information.
Ridiculous #4
I don't even bother justifying the ~~%^&%*^%^$%^& bull shit~~ miss conceptions I hear in this lecture now.

Ridiculous #5
All future teachers are ~~forced~~ required to wear formal everyday. For female students, pakaian hendaklah sopan, tidak ketat dan kemas (trans: dress code: appropriate, not tight, neat) ~~wtf~~ for the life of me I can't figure out what it means.
Ridiculous #6
All the insane walking under the scorching sun in long sleeved shirt and skirt, can't cross longkang(drain), must take one ~~F***ing~~ big round instead. Not to mention the maintenance and price of such clothing. 30 mins of walking = blisters on feet.
Ridiculous#7
We are being treated worse than school children in this horrible place, no basic respect, spoon feed, forced to do all sorts of nonsense. Not to mention the biased-ness unfair treatment. Not encouraged to think, just asked to follow and follow, mindlessly, follow.
Ridiculous#8
Authorities barking up the wrong tree and wasting money, can't they see that the root of the problem with your %$^&%^*^%^ graduates can never be rectified by imposing such pointless dress codes, soft skills assessments, where soft skills itself should already be acquired by the student on his or her own as a HUMAN BEING, not to mention forcing us to take 3 hours weekly English classes so as to 'equip' us for our teaching practical, when some of your lecturers even have problem lecturing in English.

Ridiculous#9
I can't believe that I actually wanted to be in and believed in this place three years ago.
If only I knew, I would run far far away,

Ridiculous#10
Universiti Melaya
Inspirasi Mu,
Bukan aku,
bukan dia,
bukan mereka,
hanya kamu.

I have never been anymore less inspired since stepping into this place.

She

2007-07-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

felt life draining out of her, it's a matter of time, before she dies and then she is no more. funny. funny how he stopped her from walking but left her there, under the starless sky, alone. bit by bit her strength drains and her wasting body stood in the cool air, her weakening pulse reminded her that time was not much yet no one notices her life slowly ebbing away from her body. but did it matter to her? it really is tiring trying to explain and expect simple love, not that she will ever have it. life is cruel in that way, it entices you with fake scents of love but never allows you to acquire them, life is cruel when it brings hope close to your face to see your eyes gleam with joy and then put it out just for fun, life is cruel like that, it never gives you real security, instead it feeds you the rubbish of yesterday and the poison of tomorrow. Life is cruel like that. Concrete Angel's dreams made her fly to a place where she is loved. Yet to her that song seem oddly sad, for her dreams lie ripped apart in the hands of the stranger. There is a black hole deep inside of her and daily she feels it expanding, futility, indeed was the nearest place where she can cry out to. Often she wonders whether she will be missed when she is gone, with the breath of death breathing so closely behind her neck, she wonders whether her short fleeting life left anything in your memory, she wonders whether she had left anything but mere empathy amongst the bystanders and witnesses of her brief saga. And she is now damaged beyond repair, like a broken doll in the trash can, tears pool deep inside her heart yet the greater sadness was the inability to cry them out, normal, her life is now on autopilot, until the crash comes, which is very soon, she knows ah she knew, death will be quick in doing what is needed for it has staked it's claim on her life even before she took her first breath. Even before she was abandoned, even before they said those irreversible words, even before the rain and bombardment of pain came down from the open heavens, painful and jolting. Even before her will has stirred her to live, but now has shut down, even before she hold her broken heart and felt the last tears flow down her cheeks, even before she understood finally that she is to stand alone, not even her Creator can now revoke the permanent brokeness in her, believing in this faith has already sucked her completely dry, and what is left now is nothing but the empty void of deep pain and anguish of betrayal and of incomprehension, of fear and of want. Indeed death has staked it's claim upon her fragile strength and the day is coming, quickly come, may it extinguish the final hope inside her being so that pain will be her console, her eternal companion. She stands alone. Alone, wanting the sweet release from believing.

and it was gone.

2007-07-28T00:35:00.000+08:00

I sat by you at the seaside, the sadness was over whelming

The knife was in my hand.

Yet to you it was invisible, or maybe it's better for us all to pretend it was not there.

but still the knife was in my hands, a dead weight, my fingers has traced it's cold blade countless times, my knuckles gripped white against it's black handle, as if they were two, and then one.

We both stood at the same time, like a strange dance, we moved in awkward unision. I could not read your expression, my heart yearned to touch you, and have you to hold me. Yet words has lost it's grip on my soul, and it lay gaping, unable to tell.

Just like how I lost my ability to cry.

Without a single sound, we continued the twisted dance, in such synchronised yet foreign way. Your gaze never left me. Yet we knew not each other, neither did we touch. Strange indeed, how our bodies remembered and our hearts did not.

as I step back, I saw, I saw the tinge of hesitation in your eyes, and we walked away, from each other, from us.

You never turned back, I never called out, I could never take another rejection, especially from you. I watched your back, I knew, I knew. You never loved me.

And you were gone.

Nothing can express the waves of anguish and anger pouring over me, the petid mixture has made me embittered. You were gone.

I watched until you were nothing but a small dot at the horizon.

I raised the knife and turned the handle under the sunlight, watching it's blade reflect the broken rays.

Wordlessly, I turned the knife and plunged it into my arm, blood flowed as the sharp blade sliced cleanly into sinew and muscles. I felt no pain, for the hopeless gash you left inside of me has caused the greater grief.

I grind the knife, sawing out of the flesh, up and down, in a trance-like way, the edge of my lips curled into a smile so twisted. At the red puddle, with trembling hands I smeared the blood in to a message you'll never read.

Day light is approaching, I have done my part.

I sat, I waited, for death, for you.

You never kept your promise, at least death kept it's.

Good bye.

Which is better?
To suffer but have you.
Or to suffer without you.
My embittered soul chooses the latter.
You presence has cause me such heartache.
I'm leaving here. Maybe to you I was never there.
and it's okay.

Tremble

2007-07-27T00:59:00.000+08:00

Tremble,
but for a brief moment
flickering by
dancing away
it's fragrance lingering.

Tremble,
to hold your palm against palm
sweet silk, smooth, light
wanting.

Tremble
we walk out on each other too often now,
do we not?
So what are we now?

Tell

2007-07-24T12:30:00.000+08:00

Voices,
trapped in the bubble of futility.
Mouth,
Quiet, silent, speak not.
Eyes in such faded stance
to weep, oh to wink.

Trapped
in the hostiliy.
The greater harm?
Everyone, self, no one?
Go, leave, plead, stay.
Cry, I can no more.
Torn apart.

Alone.
You're not here when you are.
Alone.
Let me go!
Alone.
Look at me!
Alone.
Don't leave me here!
Alone.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Tell.

Damp

2007-07-22T01:30:00.000+08:00

The night whispers is not but a wisp of smoke,
Solemn gray cloud.
Floating,
here again, gone again.

Damp was the end of the unlit cigarette, a thin layer of saliva from the mouth of a young man in baggy pants, one pale hand linking arms with the lithe fairy beside him.
Damp was the face of the old man in florescent vest, sweat glistening on his tanned forehead like drops from heaven, his whistle finding a home between chapped lips.
Damp was the wind screen of the tired cab driver, a few more before calling it a day.

Words exchanged, lighter produced from the driver's pocket. Cheap white plastic, hands clasped in the damp night air, a brief gesture of intimacy shared by an unlikely couple. Dark, calloused hands brought close to smooth fair cheeks, a spark and a puff from tender lips, then another from the absence of the silver whistle. Then they parted.

Damp was the pavement where I stood, rainwater sloshing with the arrival of another cab.
Damp was the air I breathe, saturated by the light shower. Nothing but tendrils of thin, silky tread.
Damp was my cheeks, they say absence makes the heart wonder, but your absence has kept my heart on hold.

Damp was the paper between my fingers, ink smearing and smudging with drops of salty moisture.
Damp was your hand when our fingers intertwined, during a so long ago that seemed like a yesterday. With you, time shrinks and expands.
Damp was your eyes, when they shine with excitement of the unknown. The unknown that you would go, only alone.
Damp was my soul, and it shivers in the chill you left behind.
Damp now, is my jaw, for tears has gathered there forming a pool of unrequited waters.

Damp, it will stay.
I love you.

%&&(^%$%^

2007-07-17T08:56:00.000+08:00

Codswallop lectures today.

Lecturer 1: Class, do you know whether this example is discrete probability or non-discrete probability. (gestures at PP slide)

Class: Discreeeeeeeeeeeeeete.

Lecturer: Class, why is it discrete?

Class:.......

(Me: Expecting some smart alec or the lecturer to answer)
(ok la the answer: there is a fixed number of outcomes)

Lecturer: (after 5 sec) Class, (it escapes me why most lecturers starts every question with the word class, swt)that is because this example is under the topic discrete probability!!

Me: SWWWT (breathing stops - heart pumps rapidly - faints)

****

Lecturer 2: ok, Kelas (seeeeeee la) apa tu etika? *flashes evil, demented, front teeth*

Me: zohmygoose!! wtfish! %&^%*^(&^%$#%$&%* PFFFFFFFFFFFT! I hate this lecturer so much, I wish she chokes on own teeth and dies.

Lecturer 2: ... kau tau ah?! macam mana orang cina kahwin? HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! *bares front teeth with horrible laughter*

Friend 1: I wish the mic gets stuffed into her own mouth.

Lecturer 2: ... lepas tu aku tengok itu steam boat hanya ada mee dan kambing saje...
AIYOHHHH!!!!! *flaps hands, any faster she can take off and fly*

Friend 2: I wish the screen would fall on her

Lecturer 2: ... mana boleh tak makan nasi ni? ai yaaaaa.... *slaps poor rostrum*

Friend 3: Severe irrevocable error detected, system shut down in 3... 2....

Lecturer 2: Mee..mee...meee.. mee.. mee MEEEE!!!!! Kambing Kambing Kambing KAMBIIIING!!!!!!!! *starts screeching*

Me: computer exploded, human race annihilated.

*plays UM song*
Universiti Malaya
Kebanggaan kita semua...

UM. One word. Sigh.

***
Disclaimer: not all lecturers in my varsity is like this, but then again...

Vexation

2007-07-16T12:18:00.000+08:00

*picture from PostSecret.

Vexation, the horror twins of annoyance and worry, this semester, although only after the first week is taxing, tiring, and intolerable.

I don't understand much of what is happening in class, the lecturer might as well be speaking in Greek, the same language for the past few semester. I don't have time to study properly and way too many things are demanding my attention. I can no longer derive any pleasure in my life, in studies, in my family, in campus, in friends, in anything else.

Whats more defeating is that no matter how hard I try it seem not to make a %$#%^$%&*^&* difference. As if someone had made things the way they were, pre-destined, they say.

Feeling very tired trying to care for people, very fed-up of having expectations never met, being told what is expected and it should never do that I slip out of that box of norm. The team at the expense of myself.

Friends that come but never stay, polite and lame remarks exchanged, it's so hard to have friends, that's why I have none, none that are willing to stay. To stay with me at the hardest times, this also comes to show what a lousy friend I am. Alone. alone. alone.

But why should it bother me now really? That I am always second place, I can't and I never did deserve anything better anyway. I must dry my tears and get used to it.

The wounds cut so deep. No one has a clue, when I close my palm and take in all the sharp edges of torn love.

I can't do this anymore.
I don't have anything inside to give anymore.

The wounds cut so, so deep.

Empty Voices

2007-07-11T16:30:00.000+08:00

I start to be unfeeling and more and more out of touch with myself when I am no longer with him, yet again, hurting him and hurting me have become so synonymous that I can't tell which is which and it's these twisting, paralysing emotions that holds me captive and unable to touch the one person that loves me the most, and only by punishing myself will I ever justify the pain inflicted from the gap and separation, the actions and the misdeeds.

Everything is as empty as it seems yet the voices, appearing soothing at the expense of being so hollow, such that the reminiscence of feelings and essence is sucked into the infinite vacuum created from the push and pull of my own conscience.

And conscience coupled with expectations have the sardonic effect of bipolar pulls in opposite directions, rendering me helpless and throwing my existence in a pool of random order. Oh, 'what ifs' must never existed in life, for it is, the will to choose as I want and the effects that I can never predict accurately versus the dictating voices hovering over my being, accusing, directing, demanding. And to push for myself is to push away from him.

And yet, neither yielding to him nor myself have given me the peace that I so long for, the embrace, the antidote against the hurtful scorn of elements was never acquired within my reach. What if (oh curse this concept indeed), what if I was fated, as a premature baby with fluid in his lungs is fated to die, to carry this huge load over me, to never learn what it meant to have this basic need fulfilled.

Then I must cough out the fluids, indeed, I must reach within me, looking at him and decide for us, that somehow, a hand of miracle may be extended into this bleak prospect, that I may either die in my suffering or to overthrow the cloak of heaviness clouding my being. Ah, either would be paradise for my tortured soul, to have the sweetest escape from this bitter curse. May my soul not be faint just yet.

Farewell

2007-07-09T09:42:00.000+08:00

The night is fast approaching
Quick! Bid me farewell
Kiss my cheek before the sun sets
I know you won't be here tomorrow. Gone.

Dry the unspilled pool of tears in me
The deep void of pain and sorrow
They appear in your absence
They stay in me when you're gone. Hovering.

When you walk out
Can't you hear your weight pressing on the broken pieces
I am silent in my pain, yet.
Can't you see the crimson red marks of you. Cutting.

No more words can I utter
No more I can do
I am now a phantom
A ghost, lingering in your presence.

You're here but you're not present.
How could you forget me?
When I can't help but remember you?

When you walk away,
I count the steps that you take.
[Avril Lavigne, When You're Gone]

Discontented, I am.

2007-07-07T05:40:00.000+08:00

I valued what was good... but I believed in the existence of other and more vivid kinds of goodness, and what I believe in I wished to behold.

Who blames me? Many, no doubt; and I shall be called discontented. I could not help it: the restlessness was in my nature; it agitated me to pain sometimes. Then my sole relief was to walk along the corridor of the third storey, backward and forward, safe in the silence and solitude of the spot, and allow my mind's eye to dwell on whatever bright visions rose before it - and, certainly, they were many and glowing; to let my heart be heaved by the exultant movement, which, while it swelled it in trouble, expanded it with life; and, best of all, to open my inward ear to a tale that was never ended - a tale my imagination created, and narrated continously; quickened with all of incident, life, fire, feeling, that I desired and had not in my actual existence.

It is vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquility: they must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it.

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

Silent Night

2007-07-04T00:15:00.000+08:00

Travelling alone on the train late at night carries an odd sense of peace for me, and sadly it might as well be the only time where I am at rest with myself, when no one around me know me.

Maybe it's the sense of no expectations, the place where I can just sit as the train takes me to the next destination. I can just sit. And just be.

I am right now fighting the temptation to put everything down, to throw everything out, and to iron cast myself with a new suit of solid steel armor. I am so disbelieving with whatever people tell me for me it's just a brightly wrapped parcel of lies and more lies.

Lies may be uttered with the purest of intentions, but I want the truth. I don't care whether I can handle it or not, I need the truth, to not be denied the only thing that remains cared for in my uncaring being.

Listen
There a song here in my heart
A melody I've start but can't complete

Speak to me.
I deserve to know the reason behind my anguish.
I need to know why I was abandoned and rejected again and again.
I deserve to live a life free from what has been done onto me.

Listen

to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release.

I deserve to live my own life.
I deserve to define my own existence

For myself.

No more for anyone.

No more.

The time has come

for my dreams to be heard

they will not be pushed aside and turned

into your own, all cause you won't listen.

I spread my palms open and I see the sores of expectations

Do this, do that, serve this, serve that.
Like cigarette buts, they burn into my skin.
They eat me because I will be conveniently discarded after being used.

Listen.

I am alone at a cross road
I'm not at home in my own home

And I'm tired of trying to say whats on my mind

you should have known

God? Loudly saying all that He is He will be for me.
For me, but against who I am.
What difference does it make God?

Don't you understand how I feel right now?
Without a home?

Now I've done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I've followed the voice you gave to me.
But now I've got to find my own.

To grow my faith
To bring me into your purpose
You and always with your own agenda,
I know you have every right
to own me, to use me,
oh how we sing these songs.
I just can't allow you to.
I cannot be your puppet.

Listen
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago.

I am not and I cannot blame anyone.

But I can no longer suffocate myself

for your namesake.

I can no longer live for your purpose

because I can't live for something I don't care about.

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't,
If you won't,
Listen.

I'm moving on,
I've done mourning over my own life

Over us.
I don't care if I can't make it without you.
At least I tried.
Would you, for once, help me recover?
Not so that I can achieve your purpose of whatever nice phrases preachers think about like wounded healer or moulded vessel.

Listen
to the song here in my heart

a melody I've start but I will complete
Now I've done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me

Not so that you can use me for your own agenda. Please don't use me anymore.

Can you help be recover so that I can just be?

So that I can find my own self?

If not, I'd rather die than follow you.
Would you follow me as I move on in life?

I am moving on, even if it pains me to let you go.
I have decided, now it's your turn.

I love you, but I can't wait for you anymore.

I've followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I've got to find my own

my own.

Listen [Beyonce]

Sing Sweet Nightingale

2007-07-03T00:59:00.000+08:00

Reading: Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte

Listening: What I've Done, Linkin Park (I heart Linkin Park!)

Watched: Transformers (twice!) go watch! very very nice!!!!

If I were to plot a graph to demonstrate my mood swings, I realize I peak usually on Mondays to Wednesday and feel gradually lousy as the weekend approaches.

Not that I don't appreciate the weekends IMHO, but ah well, complicated.

***

I now know why I can't have a boy, well, besides my below average looks and my over "insert a nightmare trait"ness, and all the other known factors, I realize that I can never love someone the right way to stick around, because I will end up either having to walk away or stay and slowly watch myself die.

Both not really an option for me now, so hence forth I declare and cherish my singleness even if it means waking up to a cold bed and having no one to hold. I need to protect myself.

Experience have been a good teacher to me. Still, still, there is still a part of me left with him.

***

Sometimes when you care too much, people feel over pressured, you don't care enough and the relationship never grows, and you know what, frankly, at times, I am just tired of trying to communicate. Because no one bothers to take the time to speak to me.

Damn it, am I only worth your half hearted "fine"?

***

Oh, and I think at times I misunderstand myself.

Make sense to you? Me neither.

Sing.

Bemused

2007-06-30T17:33:00.000+08:00

We remember the things we want most to forget and we forget the things we want
most to remember.

Cormac McCarthy [The Road]

***

My eyes are watery now after 7 hours of continuous tutoring, varying between Electric Fields, elements and compounds and the laws of indices and logarithm. Sometimes dealing with at least two at the same time

I am amused at my ability to still space out and have random musings floating into the heat of a mundane afternoon.

***

I think I am like a pendulum executing Simple Harmonic Motion. I am unusually optimistic at times, yet I feel I'm sinking like dead weight in quick sand, as if my recollection of hope is nothing but mere illusion and reality eats me as I am dreaming of a better tomorrow

and snap! I have sunken too deep.

***

I think I am standing at a cross road in life now, no, I don't have any major decisions to make that would physically determine my future like career choice or relocation.

I am standing at the cross road of faith in God and faith in self. (We all know what the right path is.)

Yet when I look at the lives around me, those whose faith is rooted in God, their lives seems so bland and robotic, so predictable and boring. (excuse me the preaching, I know the right attitude to look at it, we all know the right thing, but is it ever the right thing for me?)

Is it wrong to want something for myself? Is it wrong to want to find my potential? Is it wrong to have me around? What is so wrong about me that I feel that every where I turn, people are forcing code of christian ethics down my throat.

Why can't I be the person I am?
Is it okay to be the least bit selfish?

Is God trying to change me so much that when He is done I am no longer the person that I am?
Doesnt He cares that I still want to be me in many ways?

I even fear to tell people around me that I don't really care whether I am serving God or not, I fear I might discourage them and make them obligated to do something or say something to fix me.

What is so wrong with me that I refuse to be fixed?

***

I realise that I am not a receiver of love, I don't know how to receive affection from others.

maybe it's because I don't know and won't receive what others and God have for me that I feel like my essence is draining out of me, like everything around me is demanding the person that I am.

That at the end of it I lie in a pool of my drained blood, refusing help that comes my way. Refusing love that came knocking so long ago.

Refusing until the last breath drains my lips and my frozen corpse lies barren, lifeless and shamed.

***

Is it wrong to ask the person inside of me how she feels about all these than to live up, to live against and to live for so many voices around me?

Is it wrong to be me?

Twisted

2007-06-26T00:41:00.000+08:00

I stand here again
I have taken yet another guilt trip
My feet tasted the sharp rocks and it's jagged surface.
Twisted.

If I can place my hands in my chest
And show You my soul
It would be distorted, shamed, ugly, used.
Twisted.

I know you know my thoughts better that I do
Yet the things I tell myself and You scares me
For they are like whispers from hell,
Twisted.

I can't remember what it was like to have You
when what we had was pure, because of You.
It was so long ago since then, and now all is
Twisted.

So much You have given me
Yet I have turned away.
The essence that You placed in me is already
Twisted.

Yet You are still here,
I can touch Your robe
But how it hurts me that my sights of You,
are also twisted.

The pain. without You.
has grown, spreading it's tentacles
Forcing it's deadly spell into me,
Twisting me.

Hold me! Right now.
I am all alone.
Please, before I am twisted
forever.

Dreams, Kites and Beckett

2007-06-25T13:04:00.000+08:00

I dream of finding my dream, the spark that makes my eyes lit like star dust with the glitter of possibilities, the very thing that makes my heart beat out of rhythm in anticipation and my thoughts soar without boundaries, bring me to unimaginable places.

My dream.

I need to find it first.

***

I have liken the fact that reading has been my close companion of late, when reading, I cross examine the characters and the relationships and somehow see it mirror things that are very close to life, it's like the writer extracted a strand of thoughts or two from my head and weaved it into the story. Making it a part of the whole quilt of stories, given it words and texture, shining new light on it.

Also, helping me find forms of expressions I never thought possible.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini is marvelous.
Simply stunning.
The best book I've read this year. A tale across borders and generations, blood and honor, betrayal and loyalty, revenge and redemption. None of the review befits the real thing, the images and emotions stirred up by the writer's words resonates and carves it's ways into the hearts of discerning readers.

***

I am suffering of the don't care syndrom.

You know the type you get awhile after yelling, screaming and pushing the big, heavy, stupid elephant and it refuses to move, not even a measly one inch for all your effort.

After that it's really hard to don't care because you have cared too much.

I feel like chucking all my responsibilities and almost all the people that I am answerable to and migrate to some place where no one knows me or have expectations of me.

Prayermeetsworshippractisesthatgetscancelledlastminuteorstartonehourlatepeoplewhocouldntbeenbotheredwhetheryouaredeadoraliveforsixdaysaweekyetonthatoneparticulardayactslikeyourbestfriendughdoingthingsalonewheretheonlyconcernyougetfompeopleosbecauseoftheirportfolioandhowwhatyoudoanddontdomightaffectthemandthewholecommunitythewholecampusbutwhathappenstomeisnotthecaseofbeingbotheredworkingwithpeoplewhodon'tcareaboutyouoreventhecausethatweareworkingforworkingwithpeoplewhokillswhatever'sleftofmypassionandstealsmydream,doingdoingdoingdoingdoingdoing.Blah.

Excuse the verbal vomit.
I wanna elope with my dreams. Where I can be, who I want to be.

***

I'm sorry God, I am selfish.
But I really don't want to do all these and lose my identity.
My dreams, my vision.

Yes I know it is being tested in the furnace, but right now I feel it coming up in ashes.

I want to dream again. Extravagantly.
I want to dance again, I want to express again.
I want to live for me again, for the dreams we both stand for, God, what was the dream you placed in my heart.
More than just living this life.
This busy worthless life.

Where is my dream?

***

Going to KLPAC again. Ah the place I want to be. If only I could do the things I want to do.

Synopsis
Krapp and Joe. Two men, two plays. Both men sit alone haunted by their pasts. Joe haunted by a voice - a woman's voice which prods him, provoking him to remember things he might wish to forget. Krapp haunted by his own voice - a younger, happier and insufferable Krapp. Joe's voice is in his head - it appears. Krapp's voice is on old spools of tape. Both talk of love and loss. Two sides of Beckett, two sides of us?

I'm going tomorrow. =)

2007-06-20T00:38:00.000+08:00

Never underestimate the spark that God places inside each human spirit.

2007-06-19T01:32:00.001+08:00

Where are you?
The little girl whom I brushed fingers with
The concealed tears that has gone missing
The hidden memories with it's piercing presence
The painful recollection of missing trauma
The standstill shower of the evening rain
The lost girl, whom I can never reclaim.

Was Bored II

2007-06-16T02:37:00.000+08:00

From Suanie's

1. What is more difficult for you: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling
them how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Both actually, when I am telling someone how I feel, it's the dread of seeing the respond in their eyes. But more so when someone is telling me how they feel, expecially when I feel helpless and I don't want people to see that. (I am not the kind that can verbalize how I feel deeply at real time)

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry?

Hmmmm. I always get annoyed, but REALLY angry? When someone broke his promise to me without even trying to explain, I hate it when I am left hanging.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?

My Father.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.

(1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?

Not any random stranger I meet on the street of cause. Probably almost everyone I know, the question is WHEN will I tell them.

(2) What do you do with your remaining days?

Try to get in touch with everyone that matters to me. Have proper closure for certain relationships, spend time with family and friends read as many books as possible, watch as many plays/musicals as possible. Prepare to meet God. =)

(3) Would you be afraid?

Afraid as in afraid of the unknown, no la. I'll be excited! But also fear, what am I going to do when I see God?

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Which do you choose?

Trust. Love without trust is blind.

6. You are unfaithful to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Do you tell him/her?

You ARE. Present tense. Oh dear, I'll break up with him, something is not right.

7. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

No, I wouldn't.

8. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Not really, I am biased and opinionistic.

9. Does love = sex?

I think it's love > sex. Can't keep physical touch out of the equation.

10. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you feel?

The Maxis operator that I talked to. Long story.

11. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

Telling someone I love them, it makes me feel vulnerable because I will be open to rejection.

12. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

The self-sufficient mentality that I have. It defines me.

13. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have “no regrets” what would you change?

I would treat my grandmother differently. =(

14. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

With me as in beside me? Or with me as in outside the window?
Donno la, anyone that I can be myself with I guess.

15. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

Yup. But I'll clean my mouth directly after.

16. Are you old fashioned?

Gee, it depends on the definition of old fashion.
Old fashion traits :
No dating until you are almost sure that the person is one that you wanna marry.
No making the first moves for girls.
To a certain extend, a wife needs to submit to the leadership of the husband.
Husband needs protect his wife. etc etc.
(very old fashion in relationships)

Not so old fashion traits:
Speak your mind out!
Don't follow blindly (sigh, so many young ppl are doing this now)
Be yourself!
Tradition aint always right! Think for yourself.
There is a need for 'me' time.

17. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?

I'll let my grandma choose.

18. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?

There is no true love without a certain extend of heartbreak (we don't exactly live in Disneyland ppl)
the question is whether it will last through the heartbreak.

Break then stick back again lo. Got Superglue

19. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?

I wish lost my memory and forgotten what happened to me for the first 15 years of my life.
(Hmm, on second thought, I'll ask for the courage to accept and move on from the 15 years)

20.Excluding family love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Joanne, my sayang. =) Two days ago. Me hearts you!
Will marry you in half a heartbeat. :P
(So what if it sounds lesbo *tongue*)

Ok 3am. Nite.

Where

2007-06-13T16:56:00.000+08:00

Where are you?
The missing piece of my heart.
The broken shred of glass, pulled from the mirror of my image.
The lost voice that my ears can no longer hear
The unsung melody of my secret song
The forgotten part of my memory
The heartbeat of my soul.

Where are you?
The essence of my being
The smile that brightens my morning wake
The breeze that invites my hair to dance in the sunlight
The faint fragrant, infused in my deepest senses.
The light touch of affection on the nape of my neck
The words of my unspoken thoughts

Where are you?
The pool of inspiration I drown in
The grasp of obsession I cling on
The core of my very existence
The interpretation of my mind's eye
The darkness that sweeps through me in the deep twilight.
The light that greets me at the first glimpse of the sun.

Where are you?
The little girl whom I brushed fingers with
The concealed tears that has gone missing
The hidden memories with it's piercing presence
The painful recollection of missing trauma
The standstill shower of the evening rain
The lost girl, whom I can never reclaim.

Where are you?
Ah bitter sweet freedom.

It was night

2007-06-12T06:21:00.000+08:00

In a dream, you were there, we met again finally after all these years.

We were sitting side by side like the old times, my head resting on your lap as you toyed with my waist length black hair.

Gosh, It's been so long since I remember us that way.

Then you passed me a few loose A4 paper, just like the old days, on it, your small amd meticulous handwriting.

You were being so sweet, yet, so much has changed, my hair is now short.
and we no longer meet,

I wanted so badly to touch you back or to read what you have given me,
but consiousness slipped in and when I open my eyes, you are gone.

You didn't love me, but at least you tried to.

Thank you.

Lullaby

2007-06-11T04:35:00.000+08:00

Let me sing you a lullaby
By my arms may you rest
Close your eyes.
I know it's hard to sleep
When you're hurting.
I'm here,
You don't have to worry.
You're safe
Let me sing you a lullaby.

***

Help me endure the sleepless nights, help me come to terms with my lost.

Ripped. Forcefully torn, snatched, disfigured.

The gaping void is beckoning me to a dark corner, I scream till my voice is hoarse but no one listens. And only silence is heard.

I am trapped, in more ways than one, and I can't be free of my own bondage.

This void, this hole left behind, I tried many, many things, nothing fits.
by trying, I enlarge and deepen the very pit I am trying to fill.

Bloody fingers, misshapen expectations, cutting both ways.
Messy wounds.

And today I despair.
I hold the well worn, exposed, hurting, abandoned, abused, unwanted, ugly hole in my heart

and I weep.

Light can only shine through the gaping holes in my heart.

Help me endure the sleepless nights. Help me come to terms with my lost, my disfigurement, my tears.

***

Hush little baby don't you cry.
Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird.
and If that mocking bird don't sing
Momma's gonna buy you a diamond ring.

Crash.

Was bored.

2007-06-11T00:33:00.001+08:00

From Syen.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Suit
2. Suit Lin
3. Suity

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF :
1. None
2. in
3. particular.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Chinese
2. Can't
3. Tell

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T STAND:
1. Unrefined actions and speech.
2. Irresponsibility and broken promises
3. Naive and Ignorant

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Loneliness
2. Insects
3. Myself.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SHOWS:
1. House.
2. Ghost Whisperer
3. Judging Amy

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE JAPANESE ANIMES:
1. Me
2. No like
3. Anime

THREE OF YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Linkin Park's Minutes to Midnight Album (I know that's more than 3 songs but I can't decide. :P)
2. First Love by Utada Hikaru
3. It's not Over by Chris Daughtry

THREE MOVIES YOU CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN:
1. Curse of the Golden Flower.
2. LOTR trilogy
3. Perfume

THREE MOVIES YOU WOULD LIKE TO WATCH:
1. Dream girls
2. V for Vendetta
3. Alone

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. my laptop
2. Internet connection
3. my books

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Insanity on my skin
2. Sarcasm on my lips
3. heart on my sleeve

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN RELATIONSHIPS:
1. Constant, open and honest communication.
2. A certain degree of transparency.
3. A certain amount of exclusiveness.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE GENDER THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Good Posture. (Go figure)
2. Good articulation.
3. Open and genuine smile.

THREE BAD HABITS:
1. Randomly hyper and restless
2. Messy thoughts and speech patterns
3. Messy room

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. expressing (think writing, day dreaming, talking to myself)
3. listening

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Talk to a certain someone face to face.
2. Laugh till my side hurts
3. Cry until my inside hurts.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING OR CURRENTLY PURSUING:
1. ~~slaving~~studying
2. Teaching/Tutoring
3. Creative Arts?

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Europe
2. Israel
3. Japan

THREE KIDS' NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. don't
2. wanna
3. think about kids ATM.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Figure out myself (at least a bit)
2. Has loved and being loved
3. Celebrate myself.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL :
1. I love my shoes.
2. Likes pretty, sparkling and shining things.
3. Mood swings

THREE WAYS YOU ARE NOT STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL (just for the heck of it):
1. No piercings, not even the customary ones on the earlobe.
2. Has an ego issue, curses.
3. hates the likes of soft toys, lace *shivers* and Korean soaps *they should be banned*

INITIALS OF THREE CRUSHES:
1. why are
2. you asking me
3. about non-existent people?

If Onlys

2007-06-07T22:54:00.000+08:00

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

"I love you."
"I know..."

If only.
If only things were different.

If only I haven't said the things I said.
If only I said the things I haven't said.
If only I knew how to explain to you how I feel inside.
If only you wanted to help me understand you.
If only you would
If only I knew for sure, who you are to me.
If only you'll let me know.
If only you'd give us a chance
If only you'd talk to me then
We might still be the same.

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
don't resent me
and when you're feeling empty
keep me in your memory
leave out all the rest

If only
If only I had known the way we won't get lost
If only I have let you when you tried
If only I had known how to.
If only you were less kind to me
If only you didn't whisper those thoughts in my ears
If only our lips never met
If only you didn't catch my eyes across the auditorium that day
If only you never helped me catch myself.
If only you never surprised me
If only you never protected me
If only you never covered me
If only you never cared that much
If only we never shared so much.

If only we never met
If only you left earlier.
Then I would never have loved you.

But it's too late, I already have.
If only you're more than the phantom void in my heart.

"... but you shouldn't, I can't love you."

Forgetting
all the hurt inside you've learn to hide so well
Pretending
someone else can come and save me from myself.
I can't be who you are.
~Linkin Park
Leave Out All The Rest
[Minutes to Midnight]

In more ways than one

2007-06-06T12:58:00.000+08:00

It was past midnight when she slipped into the dark structure, her movement swift and quiet, she was nothing but a lone shadow on the deserted street.

The stairs creaked under her weight as she mounted it, dust floated after being disturbed from their age old slumber as her feet brushes against the wooden surfaces. Her curls flowed long behind her back as she took the final flight and found herself at the roof top of the old abandoned pavilion.

Panting, she stared at her surrounding, she knew she had to be quick. On the deserted rooftop was nothing but an old decaying sign board and herself.

She stumbled to it, her legs nearly giving away from the fatigue and strain. Silently she smiled to herself. With trembling hands she started to splatter fresh paint on the gray surface. The vivid colors of red, blue, green, yellow, purple, and black started marking the surface in different projectiles, some bold and demanding, some thin and defining.

Sweat dripped from her forehead as she dipped her thin, long fingers in scarlet paint and run them along the length of the sign board. Under the moon light it was as if she was dancing a dance of sadness, her hair floating, almost luminous, her body moving in rhythm as she stretched and bend, each graceful movement leaving a permanent mark on the once gray board.

Her body told the heart wrenching story that marks her soul, and her fingers took down each detail on her canvas, that was filled with colors, with patterns, with bits and pieces of herself. And to her own unheard music, she started to sing a lonely song.

With all her might she started to add finishing touches of yellow on the now drying surface of blue and green. It took her hours but determination steered her on. Tears streamed down her eyes as her brush took furious and demanding strokes, her voice trembled as her song slowed to it's final word. With the last shaking stroke, she threw the paint brush away and stood back to see her finish product.

Just then she raised her palms towards heaven and watched the sun rise behind the art work that depict her heart aches and fears, her fragility and her determination, her past and her future. her tears and her disappointments. Herself, displayed on a two dimensional board. The first rays of sun stemmed through the clouds, casting her shadow behind her.

Her eyes took in every detail for one last time, trying to record every color, every texture, every pattern. Then wordlessly, she took a long stemmed yellow rose and began to peel it's petals. Gently, the wind took hold of the petals from her fingers and brought them down to the street, six stories beneath her.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the biggest can and stared at it's white texture. With a scream, she poured the white paint on the canvas of her life, her screams turned into sobs as she knew she was erasing the only thing that was dear to her. She had to erase the scars, she had to reclaim herself, for her sake. Her hands then took hold of a big brush and started to spread the white paint all over the signboard.

Then what was left was a signboard repainted pristine white. She was hyperventilating from the draining emotions and energy. And for the second time, she smiled. The sun shone it's radiance on her face and the wind picked up her long curls, along with it, a lone yellow rose petal stuck itself on the still damp paint.

Beneath her, in the first hours of the morning, the city burst into life.
She smiled, in more ways than one.

***

Put to rest what you thought of me
Well I cleaned this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

For what I’ve done
I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

~Linkin Park
What I've Done [Minutes to Midnight]

A broken wick

2007-06-05T10:05:00.000+08:00

Oh fallen flower
May you bloom in harshness.
Even if for a brief breath
Let your tender petals,
Show color in the darkest picture.

***

After a long departure from this faithful web journal of sorts, I am back with jittery verbatim, random thoughts and heartfelt replies.

Perhaps this is more for myself then for you.

***

We sat shivering on the stairs of a vacant house.

Tears lined my cheeks, My nose is runny.
Pulling my sleeves, I cried as if I was eight again.

You looked at me, your presence has always been reassuring, no matter what mess I had.
At the end of it, you said 'come.' and embraced me, long and hard.
No one embraces me like you do, the way your arms wrap around me, the way your eyes speaks volumes of acceptance, the way you silence my childish cries with wisdom and love.

Thank you for loving me.

***

I remember the pouring rain as we stood under the wooden shed. It did little to cover you and I from the rain, yet neither of us seem to care.
As the sky rattled it's orchestral thunder and lightning, you silently observed the me that no one has ever seen as I replayed the horrors of yesterday.

At some point maybe I expected you speak, perhaps I expected you to do what was the norm. To turn away, to pretend, to hide, to ignore, to sympathize. Experience has told me what to expect, but it didn't prepare me for the thing I needed the most, and it didn't tell me that you were the bearer of it.

Painstakingly, you pointed out the scars, you held my hand, you gave me courage, and you spoke healing into me, tenderly and firmly. To you, I was more than a person with a past, I was a child, a girl, in need of love.

I know I never told you this, but in those few weeks, the words you spoke to me, the tears you cried with me, the times you held my hand as we took our walks together. You are the only person in my life that have loved me in such a way.

And just as you called me a gem, a sapphire, what echoes the loudest in my heart is the three words, three words that you gave me so generously, everytime before we part.

"I love you."

For no one has told me that.
I miss you so dearly.

***

"I am the kind of woman who buys flowers for herself."
"You are so odd." (looks at me as if I just came from the moon)
"Well, I'm not gonna sit around and wait for a man to give me flowers, that's pathetic. Might as well get me my own flowers."
"..."
"Besides he might not even know what flowers I like." (smiles)

24 Yellow roses, 10 carnations, 3 lilies and a bunch of rose petals (I am a sucker for rose petals)later.

"Happy, happy, all for 20 bucks only" (thinks to self)
"Wow, rose petals, whatever for? For bathing?" (from 5 different individuals)
".... No bath tub la, I like to play with them cannot ah?"
"You are so weird."

Sigh. Maybe I am.

***

Love unspoken is the fastest way to heartbreak. -- Blood Raver

***

I sorted out the rose petals today according to color, my fingers deftly touching every petals and putting them into piles according to color. I found three pink rose buds, all sitting delicately in the midst of strewn petals.

"The God of broken beauty who sees the rose behind the crushed petals" I raised the blood red rose, a declaration to He who loves me.

***

I wonder are we still friends?
Am I suffocating you?
Should I let you go?
I will let you go if it is what you want.
But I will never give up caring for you.
Because for what it's worth,
You mean that much to me.

And if ever you spared a thought about me, about us.
Know this,
My only expectation of you, of us,
is to see you happy, to see you flourish,
even if I have no place in it.
I can and I will still stand in the corner,
Smiling for you, waiting for you.
My dear friend.

and when you hear the question "how are you?"
What I want, what I really want from you,
is for you to tell me, to show me.
to not worry, to be tired, angry, frustrated, sad, joyful...
to be you.
because in the long run,
it will never damage, but strengthen our friendship.
How do I know?
Because of the love and bond that is forged.

We can only walk together if neither of us are hiding.

***

The unexpected waves of sadness overcame me.
As the speaker blasted a familiar song.
I forgotten what it was like to have you, by my side.
To dance with you, to be safe with you.
And how I ache for us.
Please tell me it's possible for us to piece back the broken past.

I love you, daddy.
That never changed.

***

We sat by the drain as you showed me a plant, stretching out it's leaves from a pipe hole, reaching for the sun.

"All the while this great big piece of concrete has hindered, blocked, undermined and tried to erase the life of that small seed, but guess what, it's still growing. Like you."

***

On the swings, two girls sat, their feet dangling.
Sometimes there were frustrations, yelling even. Yet sometimes there were silent.
This two girls, both wounded, looked at each other and for a brief moment,
they both knew.
Pain was shared.
Love was expressed.

***

The only way to use a candle with a broken wick,
Is to burn it at both ends.

My candle burns at both ends,
it will not last the night.
but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends
it gives a lovely light!
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
'First Fig' A Few Figs from Thistles.

Different Snap shots from the previous 3 weeks at Camerons.

Bitter Tea

2007-05-09T12:19:00.000+08:00

My Love,

I touched your face every now and then, can you feel it? Can you feel my cold hands caressing the hollows of your cheek and feeling the rough edges of your face? Why won't you hold my hands in your big palms and warm them like you always do?

I am blind, for I cannot see your expression, I can't know for sure whether the curves on your face meant to be a smile or a frown, or have you became like me, emotionless? My worlds has turned gray without you. There is no more joy, no more light hearted conversations, no more sugar in my afternoon tea.

I love you. So much. The bitterness from the afternoon tea I drank without sugar was nothing compared to the bitterness that pools inside my heart that aches to see you, your emotions and your temperament. Oh the bitterness that boils inside, my blindness, I can't see you.

I don't know how you look like.

So I wonder mindlessly in the dark, I run my fingers over your nose and your forehead, I lean my ears close to your lips, I will you to speak, to touch me back. To flinch, to drawback, to hold my cold trembling palms. Anything. Any reaction from you, to tell me that I may be blind to the world, but at least not to you, that I can sense you. That you know I am here.

But with each gulp, the afternoon tea tasted more and more bitter, I held my breath and drank down the last drop. Someone told me yesterday that it can make me feel all better, it doesnt make sense to me, maybe that someone doesn't know you.

I want to draw you close in my arms, so that once again I can hear our hearts pump as one. I want to hear you speak again, I have swollowed bitterness upon bitterness, so that I can stand where you are and hold your hand like right now. I want us to be together forever, just you and me. And my world would seem to be complete. But my dear, I can see myself slowly decaying in your silent presence, the way you show my blindness no mercy.

Comatose, I lie beside you each day, I can't forget the irony of it all, that you are here by force, and I am here because of you. I run my fingers down your hands, I cry on your chest so fiercely, hoping that one day you can come back to me, even if you don't want me, but at least I can know that you are happy and I can stop drinking bitter tea.

This afternoon, I sat beside you, the bitter aftertaste of tea lingering in my tongue. I stared at your face, you seem so peaceful, it was as if at the very next minute you would open your eyes and smile at me just like before. With both hands, I cupped your face and traced my lips over your eyelids the bridge of your nose.

My fingers touched each bump, each curve, each angle, each surface of your face, I wanted to commit you to my deepest memory, I wanted to be able to smell the way that only you can smell, even if you're not here. My lips brushed yours and I remembered how they would curve up each time you see me.

My hands entangle behind your hair, two inch longer that what you would have liked them to be, your hair is still a perfect shade of brown, but mine was no longer the shoulder length silk you liked to bury your face in.

I touched your earlobes and thought of the many whispered secrets we shared with each other, when you embrace me, the way you whisper our words into my ears, even if there is no one around to listen. But now it was only I who will ever speak such words to you.

I want to remember you.

This afternoon, with the bitter aftertaste of tea lingering on my tongue, I lay on your chest, I closed my eyes and wanted to remember you, truly deeply, into my very core. Because although I can still touch you, I can no longer see you, you're silence hangs deep between us. I hear your heartbeat and laboured breathing, but I know that you'll never stroke my face, you'll never tell me the words that I wanted to hear so badly now. You'll never see me.

And you're not here to teach me how to wash down the bitter aftertaste of our afternoon tea.

This afternoon, the pool of bitterness inside of me evaporates as I lie on your chest, for the first time tears started to flow freely down my eyes, I no longer cry in anguish, I no longer punch the mattress by your side, I no longer scream quiet cries into you. As the bitterness evaporates, my tears started to flow like a river, trickling down your blue dressing gown.

This afternoon, finally I have to let you go, I wanted to remember you so badly, my heart aches as they started to pull the needles and wires out of you. I know I don't have much time. Blinking back my tears, I slid my hand behind your board shoulders, I lifted you off the bed and held you in my arms, rocking you, for the last time. I know you can't feel me, just like you can't feel the damp tears on your cotton dressing gown now, just like you can't recognise the way I whisper to you everyday, just like you'll never smell the hair that I cut off because it reminds me so strongly about you.

Finally, I was left alone with you. I climbed on your bed and hear the single bed protest under our weight. this time, your still warm body was not constricted by tubes and needles, I held you close as our bodies touched for the last time. I look into your face and you looked so peaceful, I kissed your cheek and held you close to me. Tears started to come again as I realized that you can never hold me again.

Still I spread one of your long arms around my waist, it still fits so perfectly. I closed my eyes and wanted to engrave this moment in my mind forever, before you have to be taken away from me, permanently.

I do not know whether it was a dream, or whether I was hallucinating, but I felt your arm moving upwards, stroking my hair and whispering the same words to me again, I wanted to open my eyes, but I was afraid that when I did, everything I was sensing would fade into the air like mist. I cannot lose you, not again. But your voice was unmistakable, the comfort that could only come from you, the words that only both of us know, it could only be you.

You.
You knew, all the things I thought you never did.
For how long, we lay like that, I can't say.

I blinked back tears as your words faded. I looked up to your face and saw a lone tear slide down your left cheek. Your hands were cold, and I can no longer warm them. I untangle our limbs and stood by your bedside. Trembling, I reached out for the napkin on the night stand to wipe our final tears.

Then I saw, on the napkin, still wet was the red stains that only you knew how to print.

As I rang the hospital, I knelt by yourside, my lips sucked the very last droplets of blood from your finger, the metallic tang of your blood erased every trace of bitterness on my tongue.

You have came back to me for one last time, and it was enough.

2007-05-08T09:42:00.000+08:00

I have to learn

to not let your pain become my pain.

***

It's going to rain, too soon.

Tag

2007-05-07T10:46:00.000+08:00

April 1, 1997
1) How old were you? 12
2) Where did you go to school? SRJK(C) Desa Jaya (Ya, I am from a chinese primary school, don't get so freaked out)
3) Where did you work? Studying la
4) Where did you live? Same place like now lo
5) Where did you hang out? Malls.
6) Did you wear glasses? No
7) Who were your best friends? None existant.
8 ) How many tattoos did you have? Kosong
9) How many piercings did you have? Nada
10) What car did you drive? Daytona cars in the arcade
11) Had you been to a real party? Nope
12) Had your heart broken? Heart? what Heart? it was smashed into pieces, don't think it's called a heart anymore.

April 1, 2002
1) How old were you? 17
2) Where did you go to school? SMK Taman Ehsan
3) Where did you work? Student la (I lazy to work one)
4) Where did you live? Same place like now lo
5) Where did you hang out? Tuition Centre(s), School, Any random event that requires first aid assistance.
6) Did you wear glasses? yes
7) Who were your best friends? ?(whats the defination of best friend la? I have good and close ones but so far no best friend)
8 ) How many tattoos did you have? Zero
9) How many piercings did you have? Zero
10) What car did you drive? I can't drive.
11) Had you been to a real party? Yeah yeah
12) Had your heart broken? Heart? Still MIA.

April 1, 2007
1) How old were you? 22
2) Where did you go to school? University Malaya
3) Where did you work? Personal Tutoring at a place that I do not wish to disclose here.
4) Where did you live? Same. Old. Place.
5) Where did you hang out? Campus, Library, Midvalley's GSC, random plays and theater when I am up to it.
6) Did you wear glasses? Ya.
7) Who were your best friends? ??! (Haiyo, I shall not bother answering this.)
8 ) How many tattoos did you have? Nil
9) How many piercings did you have? Nada. (Yes I am very proud of myself that I do not have ANY man made holes on me XD)
10) What car did you drive? can't drive
11) Had you been to a real party? yes, I have a life :)
12) Had your heart broken? It was mended? :)

SIgnal Fire

2007-05-05T09:01:00.000+08:00

Snow Patrol
Spiderman 3 OST

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,

All I wanted just span right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety
No I wont wait forever
No I wont wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

2007-05-03T10:58:00.000+08:00

I will look up at the sky
and believe

no matter what

there is a better tomorrow.

there has to be.

2007-05-01T11:57:00.000+08:00

hands sticky. head bowed. what goes around comes around. thoughts scattered, i can't stop, pain, shame, lust, lost control, fear, hiding, dark, i won't do it again, I can't help myself, guilt, let down, unworthy, blush, why do I do what I do, words, emotions, empty, alone, judgement, go away, I do not deserve healing, blood, I'll hurt you so much, wounds, no other one, I can't get myself out of this horrid mess, I am a mess, help, I can't do it, Useless, futile, flesh, cut, cut. no. kill, nothing, voices, shut up, unable, lost. spiralling, I must stop looking. careless. I did it again.

when will I stop hurting myself?

It takes

2007-04-29T18:22:00.000+08:00

5 looong minutes for IE and MSN Messenger to load in this sorry place. I miss my house internet connection already, Vista, fast, no lag, and OMG you tube loads superfast. XD
So here I am again, typing nonsense? sense? ah well does it matter. Last paper tomorrow, study study cram cram.

That day I was left wondering what we mean to each other, you know each time when you come too close for comfort, I was hoping for (?) I don't know, I was hoping for something else that you can show me, just tell me something? Sigh I know I am asking too much, I know you are like this, you're the type that think words are empty and actions speak louder, no doubt, but I can't help but hope you can tell me things that you are showing so that I am not stuck here second guessing, guessing whether I am thinking too much, whether I mean to you as much as you mean to me, guessing what you're trying to show me. I really don't like guessing.

Sometimes I have the impression that I am not worth your effort to explain to me how you feel. Then you've taught me patience and you've taught me that perhaps love is not showy or wordy, but the silent presence of you should suffice, but here I am again, wishing, hoping, comparing, wanting more.

You must be at least a bit fed-up with me, with my childish questions and the way I ask them. But I can't help myself, I want your attention, I want your time, I want your words, like a jealous child clutching his cotton candy, not willing to share you with others. I know I am draining to say the least, I am sorry.

But wait we must, we shouldn't rush now should we? We are like two long lost lovers standing behind the curtain of age and time, reaching out to touch each other, our fingertips barely brushing, then you pull back and so do I. I am afraid that one day when I look at your direction, you are no longer there.
I know it's unfair to ask you to love me just as I expect you too.
Just like many other, you will leave me.
and when you go, I really don't know how am I to do.
Without you.

Don't leave me here forgotten.

No other one - Rachael Lampa
Sing to me beauty let your voice lead the way
And in your words I'll find the things I could not say
Oh how I've longed to write a love song just for you
But on my own I've found it's just another thing I couldn't do

Whisper the reason when the sun just hides away
How do the seasons know exactly when to change
Who on earth could find a language or a line
Or count the ways to best describe the beauty found in your design?

No other one
There is just no other like you
No other one
There is no one else but you
It's in the way you will the wind to calm the ocean
That's who you are to me
There could never be, another one

So amazing kind of crazy but it's true
That my affection is obsession when it comes to you
And let me say as I am falling on my face
That I am lacking better words but I just write them anyway

Forgotten

2007-04-29T08:18:00.001+08:00

My loneliness magnified
by your fading presence
I am left with the
shadows of me.
Who can embrace me at this time?
Only me.

Sometimes
I wish I could unravel the thread of time
To lay out my fears and my sorrows before you
before throwing them aside,
as if they never existed.

Sometimes
My heart longs to feel the touch,
the sweetest caress of your words
telling me that love is what we share
that the pain is no more
that I can find that safe place
when you open your arms and take me in

Oh, tell me
that foolishness is not what governs my heart
the torn letters are just an illusion
as the wind rise and sweep them away
I will see your face,
smiling.
I can touch your shadow.

Oh, keep me safe
would you stop these tears from falling down?
come and tell me you're here to stay
whisper to me deeply
so deeply that my soul will soar
that my hand will grasps yours
and we would touch the invisible fabric
called love.

Create with me,
be with me,
don't go.
Tell me that it's not you I feel
slipping out my fingers.
Tell me I am not lying to myself
that you are more than just a memory
more than just a wistful wish

Oh, your image superimposed in my mind's eye
can you see that you have taken me captive
that in the midst of the morning sun
at the break of dawn
I find my broken self yet again
mourning for what we share.

Yet.
Time and time again
We lay in each other's arm
Yet to you.
I am, forgotten,
Forgotten,
Forgotten.

Bubble wrap

2007-04-25T19:51:00.000+08:00

So she sits at the table, a biscuit tin on her lap, notes in front of her.

Her hands reached into the tin and grabbed the bubble wrap. Twisting the oily surface within her fingers she started to squeeze the air out of it.

pop

Absent minded,she refocused her attention back to her notes, nothing was making an impression.

pop

She knew she was charting dangerous territory, she very well should stop now, before the damage was permanent.

pop

Before things take a turn for the worse.

pop.

Outside, the afternoon sun blared it's rays, as the windless afternoon went by.

pop

Everything was testing her patience

pop pop

It. Why did it matter to her so much? Why must she feel jealous when it's being shared with others? Shouldn't she already know there is no ownership with her? Shouldn't she understand that what she is asking from it means breaking the most precious thing in her life?

It

pop pop pop

She knew. It hurts to not be loved back as much as you would want to, it hurts when the only one in your life doesn't make you the only one in their life.

pop pop pop

Not that she asks for it. No no no. She knew too that she deserve none, and this was more than she could ever hope to hold. Yet there are times... these are the times she wish she could either plunge her hands deep into her chest and rip her heart out and watch it pump it's final beat before laying cold and dripping in blood at her palms so that she can feel no more, or let the fire burning within her scream for attention until it consumes her, body, soul and mind.

poppoppoppoppoppop

Her fingers quicken on the air bumps as her thoughts get more and more clustered.
She wishes, a solution, a way, to selfishly acquire what she wants.

poppoppop

yet she knew it means risking the very thing she wants the most. It.

pop

ah, but didn't she already know.

pop

When you are too poor to buy bread, do not pass by the restaurant.
You'll either die with longing, or die when what you want finally pushes you away.

pop

And so she sits at the table at a hot afternoon, fingers oily and filled with crumbs, squeezing out the very last of air within the now almost flatten plastic sheet.

pop pop
pop

pop

Nice to see, Nice to hold
Never to own.

pop.

She stands and discarded the tin, biscuit, cover and all.

Gradually applying pressure on the final air bubble,
tears flow from her eyes,

What is love?
When it is meant to be experienced, but never to be owned?

pop.

and so on this hot afternoon, perhaps.
Like bubble wrap giving air at the expense of itself,

Love was meant to be given, to be shared, but never to be owned.

pop.

The longest tag.

2007-04-24T19:19:00.000+08:00

It's freezing in the CC, I over loaded my internet credit, one must wonder how I finish 240 hours in 3 weeks. Well here's another tag, people just find it amusing to ask ppl amusing questions.

So, in no particular order.

7 Things I am experiencing now.
1) Exams
2) need to use the bathroom
3) freezing air condition blaring on my back
4) addiction to Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (not good, I have to study)
5) the usual potpourri of emotions.
6) certain anticipation towards certain things.
7) I wish I can get a proper email for once. Instead of all them junk mails.

7 things I am thinking about
1) I need to study.
2) I NEED. to study.
3) Can't put down the book. seeesh
4) So cold now, my fingers cannot type properly can?
5) When can I use the bathroom.
6) Maybe tonight I can take another all nighter studying.
7) I need more brain power.

7 things I am worrying about.
1) That Clare and Henry's love story will make me all sappy.
2) Can all my pimples, black head and scars all subside?
3) Can I lose weight?
4) Am I healthy?
5) Family.
6) WHEN will I reach the eureka point of my studies?
7) The decipline, urgently needed.
(p/s: I think it's okay worring abt one's self)

7 things I am happy about.
1) The Time Traveller's Wife
2) clothes on my back
3) money in my account
4) family back home
5) God, Him in me.
6) Able to talk things out with a friend.
7) Being alive.

7 people I treasure.
(can onot I just tell those that are close to me at real time)
1) My roomate
2) My late night telephone partner
3) My blog stalker in NZ
4) My church's pastor
5) My academic consultant cum friend
6) My dad
7) My brother(s)

7 things I always touch /come in contact with.
1) lappie
2) course work
3) Books, an assortment of them
4) Wallet
5) Hand Phone
6) My hair
7) clothes (almost 24/7 what this one)

7 things I wanna improve.
1) Procrastination
2) Over sensitive / emo / Insecure / envy
3) Be more people orientated.
4) Know self control
5) Understand people.
6) Write / Speak / express better
7) When I say better, I mean with true intention to love and care.

7 things I am strong in
1) Sarcasism
2) Fake-ly true
3) Task Orientated
4) Play Pretend
5) donno
6) what
7) else.

7 things I am weak in
(refer to 7 things I wanna improve then u deduce la ha, can add laziness, which is evident here XD)

I adore Eating
1) Any
2) Food / cuisine
3) which is generous to my taste buds
4) I also enjoy the dining atmosphere,
5) but
6) no weird stuff
7) Like internal organs, monkey's brain etc.

I adore drinking.
1) Pure, Clean water (copy and paste 6 more times)

I detest
1) The way this computer lags, the words appear slower than I type. zzzz
2) The way I wanna use the bathroom ASAP
3) The way I can't study properly :(
4) The way I look during a bad day
5) The way people speak full of fake obligatory concern
6) The way I respond to them with fake obligatory appreciation
7) The fact that I can't see those whom I miss the most.

I cannot live without
1) My sarcacism
2) My shell
3) water
4) air
5) food
6) DECENT shower
7) Friends

I fear to show
1) Weaknesses
2) Strength
3) Bad attitude/ emotions that I feel inside
4) fear(?)
5) Unhealthy addictions
6) sour friends
7) My trueself (which I also have trouble locating)

I'll never wanna speak about
1) that
2) her
3) what happened
4) you
5) him
6) me
7) Go away

I wanna
1) GO TO THE BATHROOM already (this tag is killing me so long >.<)
2) STUDY mathematical methods for the physicist (shut up)
3) Graduate (muaha)
4) Find myself
5) Find someone
6) Embrace someone
7) Say sorry.

I never play around with
1) My friendships
2) My relationships
3) Their Emotions.
4) Words when things are serious
5) Things given to me
6) Tasks given to me
7) Myself [how I wish :(]

I wonder
1) What is my worth?
2) Who am I?
3) Who am I to you?
4) and you
5) and you
6) and you.
7) Why I seldom have the courage to ask them, and when I do why they never give me straight answers

I hope you will tell me
1) I am loved.
2) I am worth it, just the way I am.
3) Things will be better.
4) Do you love me enough to wait for me to learn to love you back the way you want to?
5) Can you take my bitchy emo self?
6) Can you take my insecurities and questioning.
7) Can you take me?

I would love to see
1) God
2) you
3) My mother
4) My family
5) My true self
6) My friends far away
7) Yet to meet Internet acquaintances

I wanna tag
1) Finally
2) Finish liao
3) Can go to the loo
4) now
5) You all if very free
6) Tag yourself la
7) Adios

wordless

2007-04-24T03:15:00.000+08:00

Thank you, for making these tears fall and drying them again.

You, are a miracle in my life.

Volatile emotions.

2007-04-23T20:02:00.000+08:00

Tears, tears, tears, I can feel them boiling inside of me but it just would not come out. I am looking at the computer screen, upset and sad. I understand what it meant and the images haunt me till no end, all along in the lrt, I stared blankly at the floor, I taught blankly at tuition, I am pounding full of rage on the key board now. I have a test on fourier series, beta, gamma, asymptotic, error, elliptical functions, legendre equations and other maths that makes no sense to me, just like how my relationship with ~~some people~~ everyone make no sense to me. Something inside of me just sapped, I fail to see, I refuse to see, I cannot see the better sight of things. Just for today until when I don't know, blame it on me for being ever volatile and insecure. I have tried and I am so tired, I just want to be loved, to be wanted, is it at all that hard for you? I know, I look into the mirror and I understand why, I look into my soul and I comprehend, but yet I also know I am selfish, I know I am irrational, I am being a bitch, I am throwing a hissing fit. I can feel the venomous sting and stabs of my very own regrets. Jealousy raging. Fears. Regrets. I feel like I am stepping into a pool of certain death. I already know from the very beginning isn't it? My fault, my fault. I know.Last night was a mistake, every caress, every deceitful kiss, every thought, every action, every motive. It was a huge mistake. Can you tell me now what I can do? Can you tell me what was wrong with me? Can I know what more I can do where whenever I turn I see daggers upon daggers flying my direction? Can you tell me?I know it's my fault, but I can't help myself, I can't stop myself. So what can I do?What else do you want from me? You wanna suck out every single ounce of strength that I have, every single hope that I have? Why is it this way? Why am I making it so difficult? Why can't I cry? Why?

All questions that lie without answers.

I hope I can finally cry these tears one day, it's killing me.

Edit: 3am, perhaps I have no answers, but I have cried.

***

Good bye
Oh Good bye.
My tears fall down
Silently, gently

Sorry,
Oh sorry,
I'll never be good enough
for you.

Let me let myself go,
and I will fall into the dark abyss
never to appear
as if I never exist.

Let me go.
Then I may find the mirage of peace.
in the absence of love.
Let me go.

For the tree.

2007-04-21T06:56:00.000+08:00

Don't Walk Away - Bethany Joy Lenz

I could never leave you
Even if you asked me to,
I could never say good bye,
and make you cry.

I would never stumble
with you walking by myside
I could never love you
more than I already do.

So don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't lie,
Tell me that you're gonna stay
Please don't walk away

If I made a promise
I would stay by your side
It's only the beginning,
I love you.

So don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't lie,
Tell me that you're gonna stay
Please don't walk away
Please don't walk away

And though the road is dark and dreary,
And though my nature does not swear,
This disposition must be washed away forever.

So please don't walk away
Please don't walk away
Please dont walk away

But I could never leave you
Even if you asked me to
No, I could never say goodbye
Or make you cry.

Would you accept an imperfect love?
Thats all I have.

Do not

2007-04-20T07:48:00.000+08:00

read this yes do not read, when I have a verbal vomit do not read, I am so stressed that I keep on scratching my scalp causing it to &*(&*&*^ bleed (wth), resulting in clumpy and oily hair. partly also I blame that $%^&*^( shampoo girl whose fingernails literally scrapped my scalp into it's miserable existance sometime back. and it's still painful and agitating when i tie, wash comb my hair, and of cuz since it's aggitating, I would ~~scratch~~ touch the wounds,wouldn't I? Sigh sigh, so itchy hand. I wanna keep my hair long again, it's so hard to maintain this length, have to trim la, and then so hard to find good stylist AND the time to trim. So my hair is in a complete mess now. T_T. No matter, I will grow out uneaven jagged cuts the previous stylist (that was lousy IMHO), let the wounds heal (no more itchy hands *slap*)and chop to same length and start growing it to waist length again, much easier to maintain that way, and when it's long enough, I will go straighten it HUAHA, (hopefully by then not many ppl have straigthen hair, don't wanna look like everyone else) oh and it was fun having short hair la, IF only the cekap stylist was in KL instead of Ipoh. T_T I am amazed at my ability to continously rant, oh well, if i can't vomit on my blog, where else. besides you don't even have to read until here. XD on another note, I'll be off from KL from 9th May to 4th June, maybe even till 7th June, popping by at Penang (oh the foooooood), going to camerons for 3 week camp , 'might' drop by at ipoh, actually the might can be most likely. Oh, we'll see. Milo. I like milo, I have tanked down enough milo to give me severe heat problems. and so yesterday i drank almost 1 liter of orange lime juice. =.= the 'sourness' in my stomach is unbearable. No i do not know how orange lime juice can help, but I just feel like drinking la, kenot ah? and you know, I mmg cari pasal, period still drink this type of thing, oh speaking of which, I was so so relieved that my period came this week, it was 4 weeks over due okay, meaning I skipped one cycle. sigh hormons getting all imbalanced, no wonder I PMS 29 days a month, haha. I hope I can get pregnant when I want too, I am supposed to be in my fertile-st (if there is such a word) age now, and missed cycle shouldn't happen. Screwed. Speaking of SCREWED, I wanna watch la the theater drama by the Oral Stage at KLPAC, I also wanna watch TELL-TALE HEART but no one teman me. :(:(:(:( no one wants to teman me to do this type of stuff. T_T yes yes I pengemo. So what? cannot issit?! I might miss Screwed, but I must watch Tell-tale Heart, it's on 28th April to 6th of May. Must watch will watch! Even if it means going alone. Just so you know if you manage to reach here, give your salf a pat on the back! you're good! at reading my verbal junk (things that I mumble to myself every now and then) OKAY la adios. enough beremo,I have to study.
P/s: Normally I am not like this one.

Hidden

2007-04-19T23:47:00.000+08:00

I'll never tell...

To person A

I want us to be like last time, but it's so hard now.
and I find it amusing that we can pretend like nothing happened.

I feel like your second class friend.

or maybe I just don't know that love comes in many forms.

Still I am thankful that we are still friends.

**

To person B

I really do not know what to think, infact,
I feel like a discounted friend

Someone who is convenient for company, thats all.

Maybe you have your priorities, your schedule,
maybe I am just not that important,

I wonder whether we can talk like way we did
so, so long ago.

**

To person C

Don't bother calling or talking to me anymore,

I know I am not worth your time, action speak louder than words.

**

To person D

I miss you, even if we were never apart, I still miss you.

But I know you don't miss me the same.

Still, I miss you.

**
To person E

I miss you too, may this be something right, and you know I can't do it, not on my own.

Later

2007-04-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

Our lives, often, are myriad of stories, a mixture of human emotions. Every story different, when portrayed in Technicolors, carry different shades and facade of humanity.

Everyone has a story to tell, if you would listen close enough, if you would open your heart and your ears, unfurl the tangled strings of the package of a person's life, you'll see that underneath the package or normalcy, lies a grand story of love and of courage.

What is your story?

**

Her hand ran through stacks of books, each with different colors, different titles, penned by various people, from different stages of life, at different times, each written by different hands.

But oddly, picking a book wasn't easy; her gaze fell on the thick, black, leather bound book, her fingers, gave the thin silvery binding a pass. Combing through stacks upon stack, she couldn't choose one - none of the books stuck out visually, none of them drew more than momentary attention from her.

Denied as she might, she knew full well what she came here for.
And it would not wait.

She bent her knees, eyes darting quickly across the final row of books on the shelf. The bright morning sun shone into the antique room, it rays distorted by the thick layer of dust coating the huge Victorian styled windows surrounding the room.

The room was huge, but the same layer of dust covered every surface, from furniture to fire place to books. Row upon row of books, so vast was the collection that one had to wonder why this place was left with years of neglect.

Dust did not seem to bother her as her hands finally rested on a small hard cover volume. She took that book and casually dropped it in her purse as she curtly turned and left the place.
Her shoes leaving a trail on the dusty surface.

She can no longer prolong the inevitable.
The past have endured the last 'later'.

**

That room and the house she just locked was hers, yet she did not make it her home, neither did she employ a caretaker to keep it clean, the house was left on it's own. And as the years pass, layers upon layers of dust took over. It claimed not only the house, but also the story behind every room, the secret hidden the every corner. The dust buried everything.

Generations upon generations before her had resided there, yet she decided that her father's would be the last.

She, would not follow the footsteps of her ancestors.

**

The black book lay on the dinner table in her modern apartment, fatigue filled her eyes as she stared at the bounded leather and wondered whether she had finally mastered enough courage to open it.

She knew full well what was it in, she need not read it, it was not necessary, she have left the episode well behind her, she have moved on.

but she knew it was all a lie.

What she told others, the horrors she stood and testified against were real, yet the calm demeanor she showed was not.

When she was alone she counted her days like a prisoner numbering the seeds of his guilt. She would allow herself to sink deep into her comfortable yet deadly abyss of self pity, she would wait for the death that had claimed her life at the very beginning.

From paralyzing fears to every heart break, to the broken promises of many men.

Where their later never came.
and she was left shattered, jaded.

Empty.

And in that dark recess of her mind she would do the unthinkable, she hands and her mouth would feed the instinctive addiction that patterned and colored her life, her story, was one with torn pages and blood stained writings.

Her true story lies under the pages of that palm sized book, she knew full well that to open the book was to unleash a torrent of disaster upon the facade of decency she had spent her life building.

Yet if it was for peace within,
She wanted to.

She had to.

**

Evening approached without her noticing, with trembling hands she turned the last page of the small black book.

Her eyes, red from abandoned tears, her throat sore from her groans of anguish, her insides painful. It all came back to her, the tears of deep regrets, of painful conviction, of weakness and of self destruction.

This was the brutal truth she had to face.
And it made her wonder whether it was too late,
too late to ask for forgiveness,

too late to be loved and accepted.

She wondered whether later was destined to be never.

**

At the final page, she saw the familiar handwriting that was not her own, with trembling fingers, she traced the words, written boldly across the middle of the dog-eared paper.

I was never far away, I came and I have waited for you.

Fresh tears sprang to her eyes as she raised her face, her cumbling mask fell to pieces at her feet, to meet the last rays of the dusk beams.

Outside, familiar footsteps was heard.

Later,
had become now.

Author's note: from a late night phonecall. =)

Inside

2007-04-18T10:38:00.000+08:00

The table is strewn with notes filled with mathematical notations and lengthy analysis,
my head is heavy with helplessness.
I dived into bed and curled my knees to my chest.

Loneliness.

**

When I was young, I was afraid to sleep alone, my father would sleep beside me, his hand on mine. It's that constant touch that I feel on my hand as I slip into unconsciousness that gave my unsettled heart the peace from nightmares and fears.

Under my father's gaze I would rest.

In his company, I would feel safe. The scrapped knee, unkind words from the neighbours, the teasing laughter from my classmates, all the petty childhood taunting would fade to nothing beside my father.

His presence takes every unhappiness away.

**

No one can do that about my problems anymore.
No one can soothe my fears and keep me at peace with their physical presence.

I lay silently on my bed, wanting someone, anyone, to hold me, to keep me company, to just be there.

Sheets were unable to warm my lonely heart, the cold hard wall against my back offer little comfort and solace.

A lone tear escaped the grasp of my left eye lid. I blinked, waited, wanting to cry my heart out, but there is so much, so much of pent up emotions that I can't even begin to describe.

And like always I just can't bring myself to cry more than a few isolated tears, before the tearing stop, unwillingly. And the pain returns.

The constant aching within my heart will only stop once I tipped the bucket of long ago sadness and tears, but alas my tears has fossilized into ice.

**

Later. Many hours later.
The funeral was over, at last I could cry.
Except that I couldn't. My tears, kept too long, had fossilized.
They would have to stay in forever now.

VIDA WINTER, The Thirteenth Tale. (DIANE SETTERFIELD)

**

When circumstances keeps us from grieving, we lock up our sadness into a compartment, wanting to keep our composure, to be strong, to survive.

Yet more than anything, we want to have that moment where we are allowed to grief, to truly cry the stored away tears, to know that it's okay to be weak, to be sad, for we are all human.

But fill in this sentence with the excuses or lies that we are told or have told ourselves. Tears that were hidden were never released and we carry that ache deep in our hearts.

We keep our sorrows in for far too long.

When tears reside too long in our hearts, we can never cry them anymore, we can never grief outside the way that would justify our heavy hearts.

We don't experience the pain fully,

We can never move on.

And because we hurt, and carry the hardened, indispensable tears deep within us.

We grief inside.

Forever.

**

"...detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.

On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

PROF. MORRIE SCHWARTZ. Tuesdays with Morrie. (MITCH ALBOM)

Silently, I run my fingertips over tears that I know would not be my last.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Conversations

2007-04-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

Saturday
14/04/07
3am

Today we just talked long.

You took some time to warm up
like you always do,

until the inevitable question I know have been playing in your mind all that while popped up through my phone's ear piece.

"So did you call after you read it?"

I was of sort of expecting you to ask, but it still sounded so out of the blue, so out of place.

And so we talked about it, you wanted to know how I think. I desperately wanted you to know that He loves you, but I just can't bring my self to be that impersonal bible quoting person I once was.

I know how hurtful it feels to have manufactured answers, when all you ask for was truth and comfort.

And so out of your coaxing I started to do something I was never comfortable with,
I started to analyse what you wrote.

Why have you placed me in that position?
I really don't know.

I felt violated, it was as if someone was staring at my inner most thoughts, naked.

But if it was for my expense that you are comforted I really want to not mind.
and so it was, the words of pain and harsh truth, but did I make you see God?

I really don't think I can, but I prayed for wisdom.
I prayed even more for love, His. Through me, to you.

and I know that I have said what I have in mind in all honesty even if it means having stray tears flow down my cheeks.

You told me to not be affected by what we talked,
how is that possible, when I consider you a friend?
tears and honesty is all I have.

its the best I can give you.
Even if it means least to you expectations.

Even if you doubt, I'll be here.
Even if you do not want me, I'll be here.

Not because it's become an obligation, or sympathy.
Because I want to, for you.

Friends. That's what you taught me, do you remember?

**

You too, taught me the difference of love and care.
Then I understood that care is like second hand love, like leftovers.

But what can a beggar like me ask for?

Leftovers, after all, have kept me alive.

And leftovers is only what I have, and you deserve much better.

**

Tuesday
17/04/07
2am

I have been surfing the net like crazy, I really don't know what I said, I don't recall most of it unlike Saturday's conversation.

Probably because there were no livid and painful tears this time.

But I have a dull ache inside that I can't sooth.
because I can see the expression of anguish.
But it's you, and it's okay,
It really is, because it's a part of you.

Why haven't there been something new? You asked?
Because I have been hibernating my computer, and I keep on continuing this post.

4pm

There are two buttons beneath, the orange and the blue.
unlike the Matrix, it ain't that hard to choose.

maybe the time is now.

Love has to be honest.
Though I don't know how to love
and I don't know if I am able to love.

but I know I want to.

I care for you, my friend, more than I would myself.
(and you know I am very narcissistic)

Mist

2007-04-13T22:02:00.000+08:00

I raised my eyes and find myself standing at the busy intersection of down town Kuala Lumpur, the unmistakable smell of smoke and headlights all around me.

And for awhile I am lost.

The unmistakable scent of down town KL, it's sights and the atmosphere, both close and impersonal.

The rain had just stopped. An Eurasian couple passed me by chattering in deeply accented English, the lights on the arcade opposite the busy street blinked in multicolor as the speakers outside it's entrance blared the latest J-pop.

I stood at the intersection. The feeling of nostalgia overcame me, it always happens when I am here alone, where memories came crashing in, the first train ride, the first bus ride, the first time wondering at a completely foreign place alone, deep in thought until every familiar bent and corner is engraved in my palms, the first lover, the first time my heart skipped a beat.

and more definitely, the first time I told myself that the world is mine to conquer if I was ever strong enough to do so.

Funny how things came to be a few years down the road, how the more I grow, instead of being more stronger, I became more vulnerable, instead of being independent, I became more dependant.

Instead of gaining more control of where I am heading, I lost it.

The feeling is like having the phantom-like linger of something you held so strongly to turning into mere mist.

The feeling of lost quickly changed into robotic familiarity as I strode across the red lights to board the bus back to campus. Couples or small groups of friends laughing and joking around me seems to be taunting my absence of a companion, yet I know that I have learnt to be alone.

I have been having frequent thoughts of how I have pushed people aside, how I have taken their hospitality as hostility and their loving reminders as rejection. Today was a day where I wished I could take out my bag of thread, needles, and UHU glue to patch and mend the frayed and broken friendships, alas, it stays as a wish never to come true.

Yet as I settled down in the run down bus, I thought to myself, have not I learnt to see that pain will be a parcel of life, as much as laughter, as much as disappointment, as much as fear, as much as uncertainty and insecurity.

We all have succeeded in building high walls, and yet we wonder why we feel so alone.

Outside it started to drizzle again, I started drawing circles with my fingers on the arm rest. Then it was as if an impression came upon me, like a breath of fresh air in my self-build iron box of protection, God reminded me,
"I will pursue you in love."

I smiled as the bus rumbled down the road.
Even the uncertainty in life can't out weigh the certainty of His love and promise.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me - Psalm 23

Overdose

2007-04-11T21:23:00.000+08:00

My head is in a tail spin.

Sometimes when the night is silent, so quiet that I can hear my thoughts amplified.

Oh, I think of you.

You're just there hiding, waiting for me to be most vulnerable, waiting for the perfect time to bring me down.

Yet I could not imagine life without you, we survive on each other, for I have known none but you.

Of cause there were times where someone shines light in my life, making me feel whole, making me know that I am loved. There is where I forget, about you, about the way we inflict wounds upon each other, about how we thrive in pain, in confusion, in denial and in darkness.

And for that brief moment, I can smile and be free from you.

Until night falls and you come out from the deepest corner of my memory.

You always return.

And here you are again and I am getting tired of you, the way you rob me of my joy and my zest, tailing me for so many years.

I look at you and know that this has to end and I really don't know how.

We can hug and reconcile but I know this is no where.
And you can be balm to my scars for a shortwhile before your poison start to sting, keeping me from healing.

Who am I? Who am I? Without you who am I?

I know I have to let you go. If it means dying at least we don't die in each other's arms.

I want that chance, that slim chance to live.

Would you give me that?

You don't (might not) know

2007-04-10T11:23:00.000+08:00

these about me. Jon tagged.

Note: What you do know and do not know varies greatly from person to person, so I shall response in accordance with the general readers who only read my blog.

I was baptised on 1st April 2007. :)
When I was 7, I got really sick and was away from school for almost 2 months, where I lost half of my weight, to a mere 16kgs.
When I was 14, I gave my soul to the pursuit of academic ability and intelligence, my ambition was high. But I lost myself.
When I was 20, I got drunk and wasted for the very first time, I hated the varsity that I am placed in, it was as if all the years of my hard work was not paid off and I was left in one of the lousiest places I could end up with. Until God had to firmly discipline me.

Speaking of which, the place have not changed, people are still always getting on my nerves (not saying that I don't get on theirs, heh), I am still discontented to a certain extend with where I am and what I am doing.

But I am learning to look onto God, He will steer my path, the burden of disappointment is not mine to keep, but to acknowledge and give it to Him and to trust in His higher purpose. (not easy at all)

Oh, and on a side note, when I read my previous posts, (to dig out the archives for you la) I see the encouraging comments from you all (you know who you are :D).
Where will this woman be if it ain't your support and love and that time? :) Thank you.
This is me. I am still learning to deal with it. If you would ask me why the painful ambiguity of my writings in this few months, partly because I know pain (at least a little), refer also here.

I tag,
Those in need for a time of reflection.

No one wants to be someone’s project;
everyone wants to be someone’s friend.
John Fischer

Come See

2007-04-06T07:25:00.000+08:00

Michael W. Smith - Come See

Come see
Come see with spirit eyes
Come see
The door is open

Come near
Come weary and ashamed
Come near
His arms are open
His arms are open

Come live
Come live in freedom here
Come live
The chains are broken

Come rest
Come take his gift of grace
Come rest
The word is spoken
The word is spoken

Come see
Come see with spirit eyes
Come see
The door is open

Come home
Come lay your burdens down
Come home
His arms are open
His arms are open
His arms are open

**

What can man do to me?

I wonder

2007-04-05T16:50:00.000+08:00

Whether things would be different

IF

I knew all the 'girly' things (note: arts&craft, cooking, music, expecially music, dance, smiling nicely to cameras, merajuk, less keganasan and sarcasicm etc etc, wait KEEP the sarcasicm.)

I knew how to "show" myself as a poised young lady, make up, fashion, and high heels in place (you can laugh. XD)

I knew how is it that I end up where I am and where I am going to.

I was a lot less iron-casted (hoho, get used to it lah)

.
.I was a different person.
.

I was not late for my 5pm Mathematical Methods in Physics lecture.
(when WILL I be more 'lady-like'? -.-)

Princess

2007-04-03T12:02:00.000+08:00

Princess
What storms the inner chambers of your heart?
What causes the tears you cry in your finery?
What made you bleed in your misery?

Princess
If I can I would turn back time
and make the pain go away
but it is not meant to be that way.

Alas, The candle dies off
one by one
and you'll be left alone.
Princess in white.

There is no prince nor king
to help you from the mess you have created.
Flickering candles are off your beauty.
Momentary and nothing but a mere illusion, faded.

Can you see?
that only you can pick yourself out the door
Where I await for you,
I cannot come closer, I cannot do more.

So come and let me hold you
Face to face
heart to heart
I will restore you.

but you must stop looking at yourself
but turn your face away
from the flickering candles
but look at Me, for I have given you My life.

I have unlocked your chains
I have opened the door
and made your candle burn forever.
even if it means to put off Mine.

**

Sometimes we have to unlearn many things in our lives, and not be just a person of just thougt but also actions.

I really regretted. Even before this semester ends and mark the mid point of my years in varsity. My days are marked with regrets.

**

For not using my time fully, I let go many opportunities to be a good witness, I spend too much time literally chasing cars in my head.

I know I have short changed God and myself.

**

I regret not being able to bear responsibilities strongly and properly, I regret for the many opportunities I have seen past me by.

I regret not seizing the moment for growth.

**

I regret growing apart from some of my closet friends, I regret not being there for them.

I regret being so selfish and only focussing on my needs and my wants, my pain and my past.

I regret that I have not learn to love the way I have been loved.
expecially Jon. I am sorry.

**

I regret that I am always feeling weak and could not lift myself up from the ditch that I find myself in.

I regret that I did not know that the full extend of God's grace can help me overcome.

I regret that I did not see truths before me earlier.

I regret letting God's promise slip instead of holding on to His word.

**

But I know I will continue to chase cars in my head and things have no promise to be better.

I am only human.

All the more is the need see God's grace and to keep steady.

don't let go girl.

**

Forget what we're told,
Before we get too old,
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Let's waste time
Chasing cars,
Around our heads.

I need your grace,
To remind me
To find my own.
~Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars.
Today I had a surprise test and I did not know how to do at all, it's just a simple F6 question and I did not even know how to do it. Assignments need to be redone and my patience is tested I feel like a complete failure being a student. I am no longer a team player but a parasite in groups and classes I hate the fact that I cannot buck up and study, But things must go on, Exams in two weeks, I have studied zero, nada, zilch. You wanna know whats worse than knowing that you mostlikely are going to fail? Knowing that you're most likely going to fail the SECOND time. how's that? I just don't know what's wrong with me really. And I don't know how and what I should be involved in next semester. Should I concentrate studying? Should I still do the newsletter? Easter? CG? I have tuition to teach, and Church to serve in. I know it shold always be a joy to serve God but I really know that I can't keep this up, my results has already suffered due to my inability to manage my time and I don't wanna spend my time complaining. I wanna go some where in my life. I wanna be a testimony, but so far the only thing I seem to succeed in is to succeed in letting people down. Relationships and in many have shown that I am so worthless. Spole to a friend today in between classes and can't help but think that her life speaks a louder testimony of patience, kindness and perseverance than I'll ever be. And she is not even a Christian. Failure. I just don't know how.

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

2007-04-03T11:43:00.000+08:00

We'll do it all,
Everything ,
On our own .
We don't need,
Anything ,
Or anyone.

If I lay here ,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me,
and just forget the world?

I don't quite know,
How to say,
How I feel.
Those three words,
Are said too much,
they're not enough.

If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told,
Before we get too old,
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Let's waste time
Chasing cars,
Around our heads.
I need your grace,
To remind me
To find my own .

All that I am,
All that I ever was,
Couse here in your perfect eyes,
I just couldn't see.

I don't know where,
Confused about how as well,
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

A day

2007-04-02T13:41:00.000+08:00

Throw the curtains open
I want to breath the fresh air
To hear the anticipation of tomorrow
To let the wind run through my hair.
To live again.
To love again.
I want to be whole in You again.

just

2007-04-02T01:04:00.000+08:00

I wish you were here
I wish I could just hold you close to me
I wish you can make my cold heart warm again
I wish you can make me smile
and even if you can't
I wish I can for you.

I love you.

but it's time to let you go.

My heart, ripped like papers in the wind.
I tore my love for you, so that you can fly away
My heart will never mend the same again
I gave a piece to you, so that you can stay with me.

But I begin to see, I am just forcing you to take me.
I really should have known that I can never love enough for two.
and you already did what you could for me. And more.

But yet this is the end.

I love you,
I just don't know how to.

Today

2007-04-01T11:46:00.000+08:00

I'll follow and serve You all the days of my life.

Most of all.

I'll love You.
although I'll never love You more than You love me.

to eternal.

Out of the blue

2007-03-29T15:46:00.000+08:00

When you call
I wanted to scream at you
I wanted to pour the years of frustration you have caused, all the pain and the anguish wielded by your actions.
I wanted to make you accountable for all the scars and the wounds.
I wanted to tell you that I wanted to be different and what you have done selfishly 21 years ago still bears fresh marks on the person I am today.

I wanted to rip of my mask and let you see the ugly marks beneath the decency of the independant young woman I sound like.
I wanted to show you the hidden tears that I have cried in the late nights when I wake up, seeing myself alone and sobbing myself to sleep again.
I wanted to force your hands to trace every single heartbreak, every single bruise, even those that faded in time, the memory don't.

I wanted to demand an explanation of your absence
I wanted to tell you that being abandoned is like having a part of you torn away and crushed.
And I never am the same, you can't do anything to stop me from hurting.
I wanted to tell you that it was your fault.
All along.

I wanted to tell you that whatever happens, we are bonded by flesh and blood that I still care. no matter how I feel inside.
I still care.
and I want to show you how I made it through these 21 painful years.
How Jesus made it possible for me to heal, slowly.
How I am going to follow Him all my life after this Sunday when I emerge from water.

I cannot be sure that the 22nd year will be less painful, but we can try? can we not?
Don't crush my last hope on what we have.
Don't make me cry over us.
Again.

Sometimes

2007-03-28T12:03:00.000+08:00

A storyteller weaves stories

Yet who knew that even if it was temporary.
The storyteller seeks to hide behind the story.

And hope

hope that one day her own true story will be forgotten behind the grand layers of the made up lies.

But alas.

With each passing tale,
the inevitable awaits.

The truth must be brought to light.

If the storyteller survives to tell her last tale.

If.

Teman Sejati

2007-03-26T13:59:00.000+08:00

Juwita Suwito

Setiap kali aku menoleh ke belakang
Mencari-cari titik punca keretakan
Ku sedari tak wajar dipersalahkan
Dirimu yang kian ketandusan perasaan

Sesungguhnya yang tersilap diriku sendiri
Menaruh harapan padamu terlalu tinggi
Sangkaku orang memberi kita berbahasa
Tak terlintas susu disaji dibalas tuba

Setiap pengorbanan, setiap pemberian
Ku lakukan untukmu penuh ketulusan
Tiada yang diharap selain kejujuran
Bila diri dikhianati sungguh aku terkilan

Sememangnya bukan engkau bukan dia
Penilaianku dulu dikelabui mata
Namun ku temui hikmah di sebalik trajedi
Teman sejatiku hanyalah Dia yang abadi

Produced & arranged by Aubrey Suwito

**

I'll ~~try~~ do my best because you believed in mine.
and I'll never want you to mean this about us as we go along.

Silence

2007-03-21T11:39:00.000+08:00

Since I’ve stepped into my 20s, the blog have evolved into a space where I can express myself in ways I know will never be possible in real life.

I chart the deepest facet of my personal mind and emotions and encrypt them into stories or mere strings of words (it’s not that hard for me really). It was never my intention for them to pass of as secretive; just that I aspire to keep the beauty of the words that I use and not stain them with the confined walls of one side of the story.

To write in such a way is to make people explore what it means to be me without truly forcing them to be me. To make people see that I am as idealistic as I am realistic.I have a story to tell, and so do the readers. What beauty it is if for that brief moment in time when our story coincides we know that we are not alone.

Such a so called ambiguous portrayal left many of the people who know me in real life and also reads my blog hard to grapple who I truly am.

But once again, I say. Shall a person be neatly categorized?"

Duality is in everyone but twice as much in me” says my description; it’s a clever statement I got from a test I did long time ago.

Duality. Someone once said that I am still trying to find my way out of darkness. I would like to think that I feel many hands asking for my attention, but only One who gives the love my heart yearns for. I am just as confused as I first started. Who truly am I? Am I the biggest fake, or a complex person?

The mix of who I am, the messed up past and the confused future, the many times where I had to throw my screwed up compass of life and surrender my own strength at His feet. He is the author and the finisher of the greatest element that testifies my life – grace.

And when true acceptance is granted not by my own works but by His love I know I am home in arms eternal. For my identity lies not in the past that confines, the present that defines or the future that is hesitant, but it is held in the secure grasp of grace.

***

Silence
A tribute the younger me
Whose silence has caused me my innocence.
In the pit of hell I toiled in silence

Silence
A reminder to the present
Whose silence can never hide my insecurities
In the depths of my heart I learn to break silence’s chain.

Silence
An appreciation that love
Whose presence is not without risk and sacrifice
In the silence I start to speak

Silence
An assurance of the yet to come
Whose security is guaranteed by hands held out for piercing
In silence Christ suffered in love.

Silence
And finally when love is experienced
Silence hold not as a painful bondage
But expressions of thankfulness, and love.

Silence
the most deafening sound
yet the most soothing of all
When it’s presence is known for as comfort,
not because of what you say,
but because you are here with me.

Crumbling Sand

2007-03-18T23:16:00.000+08:00

Crumbling Sand
Falls from my hands
Slips through my fingers
Leaving nothing but a lingering scent.

Crumbling sand
On which I no longer stand
Let me fall
that I may see, grace befall.

Crumbling sand
of who I used to be
to die, oh to die
So that I can see.

Grace.
When I no longer have to be
Who I am not
Who I am not.

Strength.
When I know I can
because You're here.
You're right here.

The ground
I stand may crumble

But Your love
Will stay.

And I'll be stonger.
Because You are my protector.

By someone

2007-03-17T08:48:00.000+08:00

"The essence of who you are, your words are like never ending notes on a music sheet.

Time might cause the melody to go up or down. Circumstances might even give pauses in between, but what will never change with time is that music will go on and on at the hands of the Creator who writes down every note to beautiful perfection.

Who you truly are, the very essence of you, in love, He has spoken into being,

and will remain immortal as God is immortal."

Someone. ;)

2007-03-16T05:58:00.000+08:00

“Your soulmate doesn’t have to be your husband. Your soulmate is someone who understands you for who you are and vice versa. Someone whom you can share with just about anything in the world without fear. Someone whom you can live with for life, but you don’t have to.”

Bodicea

Raise the curtains

2007-03-14T08:38:00.000+08:00

it's time.

2007-03-11T01:22:00.001+08:00

I wish I had not let you come so close,

Yet I yearn for your intimacy.
To hear your voice, to see your funny smile and share the hours with you.

I am addicted to you.
You.

It was never meant to be.
Because you love her, I can see it in your eyes.
and she loves you, I can hear it in her voice.

and I can never compete.
One day I'll have to wake up from this sleep.
One day when I can no longer stand the pangs of sadness.

I wonder

2007-03-09T20:50:00.000+08:00

why you and you are interested in 6 ~~weird~~ unique things about me.

I believe in perfection.
Sometime to the point of break neck stress I will still strive with all my heart for the things (and people) I care for.
I have a way to put on masks like they are my second skin.
It's reflex reaction, a way of me protecting myself. Sometimes I wish I can change this.
I am most true when I am behind my computer.
I care about how I look more that most of you think I do.
I just have this way of hiding it.
I am hard yet immensely fragile.
I break too easily. Yet I warm to few.
I am not as confident as most of you perceive
It's just another layer of self protection. Some woman put on make-up
I put on false security to hide my insecurity.
Despite how I sound like on my blog, I can still afford to be truly happy when those I care for are around me.
That includes God.

I tag...
The 7 lil dwarfs.

A spoonfull of sugar.

2007-03-05T10:45:00.000+08:00

Julie Andrews, Mary Poppins

In ev'ry job that must be done
There is an element of fun
you find the fun and snap!
The job's a game

Nad ev'ry task you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A lark! A spree!
It's very clear to see

That a...
Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
The medicine go down
The medicine go down
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
In a most delightful way

A robin feathering his nest
Has very little time to rest
While gathering his
Bits of twine and twig

Though quite intent in his pursuit
He has a merry tune to toot
He knows a song
Will move the job along

The honey bees that fetch the nectar
from the flowers to the comb
never tire of ever buzzing thro and fro

Because they take a lil nip
from every flower that they snip
and hence they find their task is not a grime.

**

I'm beyond stressed and travelled into a realm of subconsious blabberism.

Try me.

I speak in full speed all the time, I think in full speed all the time and I multitask at such a rate that I amuse myself. (I'm not saying that I am as effective)

My thoughts and comments jumps from one point to the other, causing those that come in contact with me now on a real life basis thinks that I am loosing it. XD
I rarely bother whether what I say would effect people or not, I rarely try to think about how what I do and say would effect the group dynamics.

I am impatient.
I just wanna get things done. Because I fear.
And it's tiring.

Yet a spoonful of sugar, makes the medicine go down.
;)

***

I can feel my heart being drawn to you.
I dare not think or analyze what is inside
But assume that it is just because I have known you for so long that I am getting increasingly comfortable to you, and having you around keeps my nerves in check. having you around makes me think that I don't have to do this on my own.

That you are there watching over me.
and somehow I have allowed you to be my protector, something I have not allowed anyone to.

But what happens when you leave me?
I dare not think.

And I tought I could escape

2007-03-05T03:06:00.000+08:00

Layer One: On The Outside
Name : Suit Lin Lee
Birth Date : 1st Dec 1985
Current status : Uber busy
Eye Colour :Black
Hair Colour : Black
Righty or Lefty : Depends on where the wall is.

Layer Two : On The Inside
Your Heritage : A dash of cynicism, a truck load of sarcasism, throw in somes lame humor, and a love for words. You'll get an almost me. Almost.
Your Fears : Losing my ability to express myself
Your Weakness : Impatient
Your Perfect Pizza : Authentic Italian ones with thin crusts and lotsa herbs but minimal cheese and tomato (yes picky me)

Layer Three : Yesterday, Today , Tomorrow
Your Thoughts First Waking Up : Die la not yet finish assignment. :(
Your Bedtime : Whenever my body surrenders to tiredness, I wish I can stay awake 24/7 to get things done.
Your Most Missed Memory : I don't have one.

Layer Four : Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke : Water
McDonald’s or Burger King : McD
Single or Group Dates : Single, definately.
Adidas or Nike : anything
Tea or Nestea : Strawberry Tea :D
Chocolate or Vanilla : both?
Cappucino or Coffee : Cuppa

Layer Five : Do You..
Smoke : Used to
Curse : Yes
Take a shower : Not when I am so tired that I can't drag myself beyond my bed.
Have a crush : Mango crush ice! Nyam!
Think you’ve been in love : Nope
Go to school : Gee. I think I'll be going to school until I am retired
Want to get married : Depends
Believe in yourself : Also depends la.
Think you’re a health freak : Quite

Layer Six : In The Past Month
Drank alcohol : Yup yup
Gone to the mall : How can I not go? It's the only place I watch my movies.
Been on stage : No la
Eaten sushi : No la, anyone wanna teman me?
Dyed your hair : No time and money. T_T

Layer Seven : Have You Ever...
Played A Stripping Game : No la
Changed Who You Were To Fit In : Too many times

Layer Eight : Age
You’re Hoping To Be Married : Gee, I haven't decided whether I wanna get married, during my fertile years of cause, wanna name my kids Radiance and Ambiance XD. *winks*

Layer Nine : In a Girl/Guy
Best Eye Colour : anything
Best Hair Colour : anything
Short Hair or Long Hair : anything

Layer Ten : What Were You Doing
1 Min Ago : Gee, we shall let my readers figure out this mystery.
1 Hour Ago : Sleep
4.5 Hours Ago : Bathing
1 Month Ago : Surfing the net
1 Year Ago: Easter 06

Layer Eleven : Finish The Sentence
I Love : I'd loveto be able to love myself
I Feel : Freaking unstable
I Hate : Having to mix with ppl I don't want to.
I Hide : My true self
I Miss : God
I Need : to study

Layer Twelve : Tag Five People
Tag tag tag tag tag!

The first funny post

2007-02-28T00:57:00.000+08:00

"I like the name Radiance, I shall name my child that"

"Ahh, then you can call the second one Ambience"

wah. two lines dedicated to you.

***

I smile
I see you smile at her.
My heart breaks but I smile.

I smile
my smile is my best mask.
My insides hurt yet I smile

I smile
my selfishness leaves me nothing but self-hatred
My soul dies yet I smile

I smile
the world will look nicer
My hope hangs at a string
yet I smile.

Lithium

2007-02-27T06:32:00.000+08:00

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

Lithium, Evanescence

Cry a little, Die a little

2007-02-26T09:32:00.000+08:00

I wanna be somebody
I wanna face the things that I've been runnin from

So let me feel, I don't care if I break down
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground,
and if I Cry a little, die a little,
at least I know I've lived

It's October again. leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all

Lent

2007-02-24T02:06:00.000+08:00

Joan-Lynn invited me to contribute in the thorns and nails devotional some weeks ago, it has been a blessing in disguise in ways I could have never imagined.

To start giving the pen (or rather keyboard) to God again, was truly liberating and faith strengthening experience.

It's like fitting into a pair of comfy old jeans and the surprise that came along when it fits nicely.

It's like finding once again the surprises of yesterday, the very essence that defines you.

It's like rekindling the first love and finding that underneath the layer of dust, it's still as new and unscratched as ever, the beauty of something that had tugged at your heart's string then.

Can still do so now.

There You are

2007-02-21T12:29:00.000+08:00

Into nothingness
I fell.

I don't remember hitting the ground,
I don't remember feeling the pain I anticipated.
Instead all I knew was the dark cloth of unconsciousness slipping over me.

Like a dream
Terror slipped into my heart
I do not know when I was awake, or when I was asleep
I do not know when the hurt was real, or when it was merely an illusion

And I thought to myself
This is death.
Wordless fear swept over me
I felt tears flow down my cheeks from my sightless eyes.

Silently I hear someone approaching
He placed a piece of cloth in my fists
His touch lingered on my hands, yet I refused to hold Him
He understood and stood up.
"Just in case you wanted to find me." He said
and He left.

For how long I lay there I cannot be sure
but like a blind seeing faint ray of light in the horizon
I touched the piece of cloth and realized that it was a long strip of ribbon
As my eyes adjusted to the light
The ribbon was endless.
The ribbon was red.

"Just in case you wanted to find me" He had said
I stood and followed the ribbon.
Rolling it in my hands as I move along
Then I remembered the familiar shade of blood red.
I remembered the reconciliation
the blood that flowed down from innocent hands.

Him.

Realization started crashing down on me
and I started running,
Tears wiped dry by the wind against my face.

I am coming home,
Thank You for finding me first.

***

You caught me
In in the fall of my disgrace
You held me
when I cried in Your embrace

I am Your bride
I belong to You

Nothing I can do
could ever change Your love
Nothing I can say
could ever nullify what You have done for me

So tell me now
that I may never forget
that I never suffered alone
there You are.
there You are.

Catching my tears
Taking my wounds
Holding my hand
Making me whole.

***

No matter where I go there You are
Your hands to catch me when I fall
You arms to shelter me from harm
My eyes, My eyes will be on You.

Whenever I call You there You are
Your voice that calmed the raging seas
Speaks words of courage into my soul
My ears, My ears will hear only from You.

When my hands reach out
And I touch You face
Your eternal Love
It drowns my insecurities away
Your eternal Love
It sheds my pain and fear aside
Your love, My Jesus.

When my world is falling apart
and I am blinded my pain
all I wanna see is Your
Hands pierced with Love
Embracing me.
My Jesus.

As You hung on the cross
You saw my hurt
And You said it is taken,
It’s taken away
Now I dance in Your grace
I am free
Yes I am free.
In You.

Back link : What if I don't want it.

Hurt

2007-02-15T08:46:00.000+08:00

[She]

Seems like it was yesterday
when I saw Your face
You told me how proud You were

but I walked away
If only I knew,

what I know today

[Him]
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you

but I know you won't be there.

[She]
I'm sorry for blaming You
for everything I just couldn't do
and I've hurt myself by hating You.

[She]

Somedays I feel broke inside
but I won't admit.
Sometimes I just wanna hide,

cause it's You miss.

and it's so hard to say good bye

when it comes to this.

[She]

Would You tell me I was wrong

would You help me understand
are You looking down upon me

are You proud of who I am

There's nothing I wouldn't do

to have just one more chance

to look into Your eyes

and see You looking back.

[He]

If I had just one more day

I would tell You how much

that I missed You

since You been away
[She]

It's dangerous

It's so out of line
To try to turn back time.

*jots*
Read between the lines. Lyrics from Christina Aguilera's.

Pause

2007-02-15T08:11:00.000+08:00

"You are in an accident waiting to happen, jump out, step on the brakes,
do it soon, before it's too late."

Maybe in some point that I can assume but never be sure that I stopped loving You, because I loved myself more.

But I stayed around for my own selfish purposes, I cheated the relationship, I knew You know, how can You not notice when I play deaf when You call, I shudder at Your touch, I remain indifferent at Your love, I turned away from You. I do not want to reconcile, but I wanted to stay.

I am so selfish, so hypocritical, so cynical, so full of myself that I cannot see away to have You with me without one of us perishing.

And I know perish I must, but even in doing so I can still boast, what perishing do You call that?

I can never truly perish with so much pride poisoning me, so much pathetic self pity.
Aren't You sick with me already?
Because I am already sick with myself.

Upset. You must be so upset with me.
I can't let You go, You know full well as much as I that by Your grace I stand at where I am at how I am, but it is meaningless without You, I know full well. Yet I refuse to believe that?

I am so faithless in us, in You.
And I don't know how to mend that.

I don't even know how to let You.

I'm so darn stubborn.
I'm sorry.

being busy

2007-02-10T22:57:00.000+08:00

currently reading: The family way, Tony Parsons

I love teaching, I think it's the thing that keeps me sane now.

Started tutoring again, Maths and Physics.
I think it's extremely rewarding to teach, not just for the extra cash, but it motivates me to learn and buck up in my own studies as well.

I know, I am always extrinsically motivated.

**

Mid Semester break just started, the rate my uni life is flying I think 8 semesters will past in the blink of an eye.

However there are still some nights where things are harder than it really is, these are the longest nights.

**

I am depressed.

Don't give me all the charismatic mumble-jumbo, if it was meant to work, it would have already, okay?

Just go away if you only know how to preach. Preaching does not equal caring.

**

I'm tired of certain people.

Tired of people who claim to be caring, but in the end they just have their hidden agenda.
Tired of being used, tired of being criticized before being understood, are you really listening to me, or do you categorize what I say?

Oh, she's just complaining, whining.

and shut your ears?

Just like you categorize me?

I know love or the lack of it when I look into your eyes.

You think a bagger would not recognize a loaf of bread?
You think I wouldn't recognize love if it is in front of me?

I don't even bother to explain to you now.

**

Change, why don't you?

Have you stared fear, pain and abandonment in the eye?

Have you been paralyzed?

You don't know, I don't even want you to anymore.

**

Dear Father

I have given You my Isaac, and it still hurts like crazy, I now walk up the final stretch alone holding it before you. Tell me I am doing the right thing, won't You?

And if my Isaac dies, don't let me hate You for it.

Do not fear

2007-02-09T08:43:00.001+08:00

Hate

2007-02-07T23:55:00.001+08:00

I hate it when you go offline for no darn reason in the middle of a conversation. I really don't know whats your problem, but a decent "I gtg" also you can't take that 2 seconds to type. Maybe I am just not worth your time.
(yes I filter my language when I speak to you, but here I don't bother anymore)

I hate it when you say that you can't do anything about it, WTH does it mean? If I think that you can't do anything about it why would I talk to you in the first place? Why can't you see that I need your darn help and support to get over this? Why can't you understand that by not even trying you are telling me that I am not worth the effort? Can you tell me otherwise? Or am I jinxed to the point that no one around me cares enough to stay long enough.

I hate it when you say that you learn your lesson, I am not your training ground, okay?

I hate it when you say that something might come up whenever I request to see you and the others, why is it that we are so insignificant to you that a few hours of your social calender also you cannot spare? Why can't you make 'us' THAT something that came up? Why can't you prioritize us, those whom you affectionately call as family? Why can't you see that without you presence our gathering won't be complete? Can't you see that with every 'no' you drive us all further apart?

I hate it that whenever I shed tears you can only say sorry and go offline, offline, offline, offline, instead trying to work things out. [key word: Trying], you don't even want to.

I always feel that we don't matter to you, not as much as you matter to us.

And I cry, as I see my second family crumble to pieces.

All things

2007-02-02T09:05:00.000+08:00

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

All things.

All things.

All things.

Itenary of the day

2007-01-31T09:13:00.000+08:00

Finish Editorial, meet Jinni, Finish Easter Promo, meet Zach and Ai Wei, meet Joanne, do lab, Meet Rach, Meet Ivan, Meet Joyce, Meet Arlyne, have easter meeting, prepare for general meeting, learn song, attend brief dance practise, study for test, attend actor's practise, see prospective tuition student, AYA festival, print news letter. study, study, study. do assignment, do tutorials. Not to get insane.

To the two angels in Puchong, thank you for all you've done for me, where would I be if you didn't believe in me and our friendship. heart both of you. You make my day shine. :)

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On, Eragon OST

Sometimes

2007-01-27T20:12:00.000+08:00

Stop the pain. Just make it go away.

No words can say how much I hurt.

Make me fade, just make me fade away.

No other way I know, but to take my life away.

Just to stop this pain.

***

Sometimes I am amazed at myself for allowing you to disappoint me again and again.

Maybe I never learn my lesson.

Yet, each time, it hurt less.

I am turning into stone.

And it's a good thing.

What is becoming of me.

2007-01-24T10:20:00.000+08:00

I stared blankly at mathematical notations on projector screen and notes, defeated.

Me: I am so dead, I am resitting the darn subject and I don't understand anymore than what I did last semester.

Friend: When you free? I can tutor you abit la.

Me: Lets see... I have practises on monday and thursday, take out one day for meeting and another day for bible study... WTH!! No free time at night. *pulls hair*

Friend: WAH.

Me: DIE la die die die. :(

Friend: Why you so busy one? I thought you not performing this easter also.

Me: Do you know what I am doing?

Friend: urm.

Me: I am directing the event, which means I have to be everywhere.

Friend: What?! If I am you I'll die man.

Me: I'm not sure how different I am from a walking zombie.

***

I stumble into my room half asleep.

Me: Eh, very sleepy la, come back sleep for a while first.

Roomate: okok.

Me: (Mumbles in half awake state) wake me up later for lunch la.

Sometime later.

Roomate: EH! You have no CG meeting today meh?

Me: (VERY blur) not wednesday meh??

Roomate: Ya ka? ok lo.

Both of us proceed to have lunch.

Roomate: (after long contemplation) Eh, no leh, you have CG meeting today la!

Me: wait. let me think. YA LO HOR! DIE! it's already 1 zzzzz.

Roomate: you run there still can make it one,

Me: ARGH! *pulls hair* I'll call my CG members and tell them that we'll meet on wednesday this week instead. zzz what a screwed up CG leader I am.

***

Hey, Suit Lin. Due to our Social Concern week this fri, I don't think we can have a meeting on Fri for the Newsletter.
So how?

***

HOW?

any ways to give me more hours in a day? :(

***

Yesterday out of the blue I told one of my closest friend that the dynamics of the our friendship shifted, it was not that we were less friends then we were before, but in the growing process, changes have staked it’s claim on what that was before.

And sadly, I missed the me from that time that I know will never return.

***
最近终觉得自己好失败。简单的东西也做不好。
心也因为忙碌搞得精神快要崩溃了。

或许在这个时候想找个人来依靠。精神上的缺陷也显得很了然。
会在不适当人的身上拿不属于我的东西。
可能是自私，可能是无助。

不过我清楚明白。
他们不是我应当拥有的，
当一切一切结束后，在后台上，我只配的和自己相拥。

我，是没有快乐和拥有你的权利，
因为我的不配，不配的你的完美。
你也不配，不配拥有我的痛苦和负担。
这样还是最好吧。

Let that be Enough

2007-01-17T07:06:00.000+08:00

Let that be enough
Swithfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With no where to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who know he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough...

[5]Losing it

2007-01-16T12:57:00.000+08:00

People try many ways to make pain go away

but often, it's nothing but a temporary illusion where we try to fool ourselves that it never existed.

***

Tossing her books at the back seat, she took a deep breath as she slipped behind the wheel and revved the engine.

She didn't know where she was heading but she was adamant to get away. She took the first intersection leading to the interstate highway.

Thr radio was blasting a random song from the radio, she didn't care as she increased pressure on the accelerator, what matters to her now is for the sound to drown out her own throughts.

Thoughts would kill her, faster than speed itself.

***

She pushed aside the shower curtains in the steamy bathroom. Feeling the familiar urge she removed the blade from it's casing.

It's been so long.

As if in a trance she pressed the blade into her skin, watching it's sharp edge break into the epidermis, waiting for blood to ooze out and drip on the bathroom floor.

It was an addiction she could not stop.

Watching her blood being diluted by the running water and dissapearing into the drain, she wished that the pain inside would dissappear that easily too.

Choking up tears she sat on the bathroom floor and buried her head in her bloodied arms as the pain inside intensify.

Who else could hurt her more than what she is doing to herself?

Yet as her tears and blood, fused together by her anguish and confusion flowed down the drain, her trembing hand reached for the blade again.

The pain wouldn't go away.

***

Feeling slightly delirious, she stumbled into the washroom and felt her stomach walls go through spasms of cramps as she heaved out her dinner.

So drunk she was that she could barely clean up the mess she created.

The clock struck 3 in the morning as she collapsed on her bed, exhausted and spent.

Yet sleep did not come, the much dreaded quietness of the night and the whispers that she did not want to hear stole peace from her heart.

Shivering, she took a fistful of pills to help her sleep.

She forgotten when was the last time she counted how many pills she ate.

***

No matter how hard you try, the pain never goes away.

It's there, waiting to make you give up on yourself.

[4] one

2007-01-16T01:52:00.000+08:00

I. looked. stunned. me. temporarily eternal. why?

Don't think. Not yours. Can't have.

Hopeless. Life. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Myself. giveup. no strength, nothing,

with Him. I miss. Him. Him.

Jesus loves me this I know.

Yes Jesus Loves me.

Where?

Alone.

I hurt.

Help.

Help me

[3] 菊花台

2007-01-13T14:16:00.001+08:00

你的泪光柔弱中带伤
惨白的月弯弯勾住过往
夜太漫长凝结成了霜
是谁在阁楼上冰冷的绝望

雨轻轻弹朱红色的窗
我一生在纸上被风吹乱
梦在远方化成一缕香
随风飘散你的模样

菊花残满地伤你的笑容已泛黄
花落人断肠我心事静静淌
北风乱夜未央你的影子剪不断
徒留我孤单在湖面成双

花已向晚飘落了灿烂
凋谢的世道上命运不堪
愁莫渡江秋心拆两半
怕你上不了岸一辈子摇晃

谁的江山马蹄声狂乱
我一身的戎装呼啸沧桑
天微微亮你轻声地叹
一夜惆怅如此委婉

菊花残满地伤你的笑容已泛黄
花落人断肠我心事静静淌
北风乱夜未央你的影子剪不断
徒留我孤单在湖面成双

词: 方文山曲: 周杰伦

*jots*

I really like the poignant and sad tone of the song, English can never justify how beautiful the lyrics are.

菊花残满地伤你的笑容已泛黄
In the midst of trampled flowers and wounded places, your smile is jaded.

[2] Stranger

2007-01-10T21:42:00.000+08:00

Our wet hands intertwined together one rainy afternoon.

It seemed so natural that we would reach for each other.

And for a while, it seemed like my hand fit

So perfectly in yours.

***

The grey sky drizzled.

So fine was the rain that you barely felt it cascading down your shoulders.

Just like life, creating a beautiful mirage of things.
Until the wetness starts seeping in and along with it, the chill of reality.

***

”Umbrella?” his voice woke me from my own trance.

Startled, I rose from the bench, “I… why, where are you heading?”
What a sight I must have been, wet and scattered.

”There.” He motioned at the direction opposite to the one I was going.
”but it’s okay, I don’t mind sending you home, wherever you stay.”
”Great, I am going that direction too.”

I lied.

***

Sometimes we all covet attention from someone we do not know.

Someone we hope to make us forget, even if it’s just a moment
the ache that knocks constantly on the door of our hearts.

Someone to help us pretend,
that the mess in our lives never existed.

***

I enjoyed just listening to him.

Just letting the words linger in my mind, not many can amuse me with their words.

The rain started to pour, instinctively he grabbed my hand as we took cover underneath the verandah.

For once, I felt safe.

***

We treat things that give us pleasure with great care.

As if it was nothing more but a flimsy bubble

One minute reflecting colorful rays in the sun,
another minute leaving nothing in the air.

as if it cease to exist.

***

I held on to the fragile moment in my hands,

I thought that it was the fear of breaking what we have that held me back,
Now I know my greater fear is breaking myself.

Love makes us vulnerable.

Selfishly, it is what I refuse to be.

***

The rain stopped not long after.

I stepped out of the verandah and took a deep breath, taking in the musty scent of wood and moisture.

“I just noticed that I left something on the bench. I’m going back to get it, thanks for the company.”

Smiling, I waved and walk the other direction,

I walked away.
back to where I belong.

***

A rainbow bowed over the clearing sky of the evening, I
smiled and wondered whether he was staring at the same rainbow

And remembered that we are under the same sky.

***

Sometimes we wonder why we regret letting what we want the most go.

Yet, we know inside it’s the best thing to do when one cannot pay the price.

And perhaps,

Just perhaps some of us hope to pretend that we never stood a chance to have what we want, so that we won’t try,

So that we can pacify ourselves and forget about the box that locks us in from the love of others.

***

I walked past that very bench,
and recalled the stranger’s voice and his words.

And I knew, even if I never see him again,

that those words were mine to keep.

Always.

***

You came and took the rain away
Forgive me for coveting more than your shelter

Perhaps the words we share was meant to stay

In here, inside of my heart that falters.

[1] Ruby Red

2007-01-01T16:08:00.000+08:00

Life is just like a play ground.

nothing is constant.

***

They say that a lot of times we a drawn to things that are an image of what we hope we can be.

They say.

***

She sat at the bench with a book propped between her hands.
What held her eyes behind the pair of shades was not the thick paperback.

It was the children.

A sad smile played on her ruby-red lips.
Lips so red it looked like fresh blood when contrasted with her pale skin,
so red it's like the blood from a vampire's fangs,
killing it's latest victim.

Not out of spite, but in order to survive.

***

Laughter is the best music.

It's like a heavenly blend of bells with sound that resonates even after it stopped.

It haunts the mind as much as it haunts the ear.

***

She placed the paperback on her lap and watched the children play around her.

A few kids that were shoving each other then, were now best friends again.
A girl scraped her knee and ran crying into the arms of her father.

She felt the familiar wave of tears come crashing over her again.
Thankful for the shades, she took a few moments to compose herself.

If only the pair of sun-glasses could stop her tears instead of hide it.

***

A bag of potato chips lie beside her.

Wise Cottage Fries Potato Chips.

Gingerly she touched the wrapper and cursed herself for getting exactly the same type of chips that he used to get her.

The times where he was still her daddy, where she waited up for him every night for a bag of chips, bed time stories.

For his cuddle.

All long gone.

Cursing she threw the bag of chips at the wall and watch the bag burst and pieces of chips being shattered in a hundred different direction.

Like her heart.

Hugging her knees, she broke into incoherent sobs.

The evening sun casting a trembling shadow of her on the kitchen floor.
Which was strewn with pieces of her.

***

"Thank you daddy for always coming to my room

and giving me a hug and saying I love you before I sleep."
-Mindy-

***

The words cut through her heart like a sharp poisonous knife.
It's blade twisting in the gore of blood and tendons.
It's venom, seeping into her core.

Yet she smiled with her ruby red lips.

***

They say that we are drawn to what we hope most to possess.

What they don't tell you is that the closer you stand.

The more that hope will eat you inside.

***

Ruby lips
cast the pain away
may you forget it ever existed.
may you forget you were ever loved.

Prologue

2006-12-28T19:15:00.000+08:00

They say that a lot of times we a drawn to things that are an image of what we hope we can be.

They say.

But what gives anyway? When all hope crumbles to dust and you see it falling apart in your very own hands as you grind the powdery substance between your fingers one last time before it disintegrates.

What happens when you are always the substitute, when people’s body language tells you more clearly than words could ever will that that you don’t matter, not that much.

Or perhaps you are only defined by the services you do? By the hollow hole that is forcefully filled by expectations that we try to reach. But take them away and you no longer know who you are.

All that you have strived to do, things that you have worked so hard for, people that you spend your soul with. Take them all away. Who are you?
Nothing.

You don’t matter enough.

***

Standing in the bathroom after a cold shower she stared at her pasty white face in the mirror.

drip... drip... drip...

It's 6am and she slept for barely 3 hours.

drip... drip... drip...

How she wished her pain will drip off like the water from her neglected body.

But no matter how long she waited or how hard she tries the pain is stagnant.

As it is multiplying.

drip... drip... drip...

Longing for a release that is fatal.

***

She took a good look at herself while applying makeup on her face.
Loosen up she told herself as she can see pain in her eyes.

More make up.

More cover-ups.

More mirage.

More of what they wanted of her.

Less of her.

***

The tears just refuse to come.

Maybe it's because of her already made up face.

or maybe she can't do much with the pain but lock it up.

Deep inside.

***

Standing at where she is, she steadied herself.

All a part of the balancing act.

as she stepped up the platform in the dingy hall that reeks of smoke, vomit and alcohol.

"Lift up you head." The man barked his orders.

"You are a 'D'. my, my, what a trouble maker you would be, it would be better if you were like most of the girls that are here, they are 'S'es and our clients love them."

He retorted without giving her a second look.

"But no matter, you will bend yourself to fit in, even if it kills you, you have no where else to go. Get yourself to look as 'S'-like as possible. Report here tomorrow for your first day, 7pm sharp."

She nodded and step out of the hall.

What they don't smell is the even more pungent smell of rejection behind the odor of smoke and alcohol.

***

Funny how people are labeled with alphabets and along with it a fixed characteristic that people always bring out.

As if it would only take an alphabet to represent us.

and once labeled, no one bothers to understand you.

because they are trying to classify you.

***

'So how are you doing?'

She takes it as a part of formality.

and a formal question requires a formal answer.

'I'm fine.'

She told her first client as he started to take from her things that she can never replace.

Lying on the bed, and watching herself being used without being loved.

You're second class, just lap up whatever we give you.

People tell her through actions.Which speaks louder than words.

and the cycle repeats.

until she is of no more use.

***

My candle burns at both ends,

it will not last the night.

but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
it gives a lovely light!

EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
'First Fig'
A Few Figs from Thistles.

Don't Give Up.

2006-12-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

Fallen

2006-12-23T20:06:00.000+08:00

Oh fallen child
the pain in your black tears
the hopeless state you are in
you try to turn
but in every direction there is only
anguish and more anguish.

Oh fallen child.
see the path that bought you here
see the fall that you have took
you try to stand
but in every way there is only
disappointment and more disappointment.

oh fallen child
hear the whisper
you are gone,
you are gone.

~~~~

Someone stayed up late last night trying to convince me to believe in love again.

He talked and talked and debated and debated.

Half way I just got tired and let him believe that his words changed me.

What he did not know is that no words can change anything now because I no longer care.

I don't care.

~~~~

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I don't look forward to anything.

New year and a new Semester closing in and when I stare at it all in the eye I fail to see it's purpose.

because you are gone I can't go on.

and I don't care.

~~~~

"What hurt the most was perhaps the bond of trust which I have broken."

I find it so tiring to reconcile and I don't know how, it still hurts so much.

and now I am cold and dead.

and I don't care.

~~~~

A few more days until your birthday and I can't help but cry when I feel the void of you when I left.

I long so much to have you, and yet I just cannot allow myself to receive anything anymore.

I stare into your eyes and I see your pain mirroring mine, I just wanna tell you that the walk has been so hard that I am no longer sure whether I can carry on, even holding your hand is tiring.

and maybe losing you made my heart ache so much that I even find it hard to say that I don't care.

Because you, I care most of all.

yet I walked away.

2006-12-23T05:27:00.000+08:00

Did I do the right thing?

I have done too much damage, so much that it can't be right anymore

I am such a monster.

to you, you, you, and you.

I'm sorry.

At the edge

2006-12-18T09:52:00.000+08:00

I'm standing at the edge
and you've let my hand slip
when I turn you were gone
what happen to your promises?

Let the breeze caress my face one last time
for it's the last time I'll be here talking to you
it's the last time I'll be walking by your side
the last time I'll allow my fragile self into your hands.

My tears, immortalized by pain
flow one last time down my cheeks
I know the pain will not be the last
but I will learn to live in it.

May the horizon testify what we never had
and as it fades in the sunset
remember, that you were the one who let go
and left me crying in the cold.

Simple

2006-12-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

I wish I could go back
to the times where things were easier.
When my relationship with you was just us loving each other.

I just don't know how to love you anymore.

But how can you and I end it here and now when you define the very essence of me?

Like a dragon without it's Rider, I'll die.

but

I just don't know how to love you like the old times.

and I'm just too tired of seeking you.

and no matter what you say, somehow I find it hard for it to matter to me anymore.

maybe I really am dying.

help me see your blood, before I turn into ice.

Grief.

2006-12-10T04:27:00.000+08:00

Got this from Annette,

Do drop by at her site from time to time, she might not update often, but her reflections and posts are well worth the wait.

Then, this year, I started with a hiccup. It pained my heart no end. Since then, I have been grieving the painful things I see around me. We have moved on, but many things lay ungrieved.So, when more things happen, and more pain comes your way, or somebody passes away or your dog dies, it all adds to a feeling of grief.

But, I listened to the song by the Ragamuffin Band, and they sang the song, "Make Me An Instrument Of Your Peace". Yeah, grief can become an instrument to comfort instead of being comforted; to sow peace instead of hatred. But first ....

First, grief must be GRIEVED. I spent some time grieving the things of this year that I hadn't had time to look at. It eased my heart somewhat. Now I am ready to trudge on ... and try to be His instrument of peace.

Then I know it's okay to grief and to cry, because God can make it into His instrument to give comfort and to love.

Back links
21st Birthday and alot more.
Long Ago

21st Birthday and alot more.

2006-12-10T01:20:00.000+08:00

As promised, the post 1st Dec post. To those who have wished me :) thank you so much, my inbox is still flooded with msges.

Thank you
Yee Fun, Sze Yen and Shok Chan
The people that have seen be grown from pre-teen to the ripe old age of 21. Thank you for always keeping the friendship going.

Syen : You have always been the first to wish. :)
Wendy, Kalaivani, Ding, Jonathan, Joy Lee, Mee Hunt, Joey, Jeannee, Soo Ling, Michelle, Emilia, Ai Hui, Jane, Aunt Doris, Melvyn, Olivia, Joan-Lynn, Whye Mun, Adelene, Fred.

Those who've wished me online and on Friendster too :)

++

My birthday celebration started a week before the actual date.

Met the family from my biological mother's side. We had dinner at a chinese place, where a wedding was held at the same time.

I was showered with gifts and attention. :)

My cousin send me a card and a book mark all the way from UK too.

++

The eve of my birthday was spend with Shok Chan, Sze Yen and Yee Fun, old time friends. We cracked lame jokes at McDs while waiting for the clock to strike 12.

It was fun having them by my side.

++

On the faithful day itself, accompanied my brothers and mum to 1U, watched Happy Feet walked abit.

come evening, time was spend at cell, writing out appreciation notes with cell members (one of my church's project).

++

Saturday, made my way to Mid Valley to meet with Jon and Jin at Kenny Rogers, much was planned for this meeting as I later found out. Tiffanie and Siew Vern was there too.

There was gifts and the obligatory birthday cake and song and lunch.

Then came the bestest part of my birthday (I will remember this until the day I die) where Jin took out a guitar and Jon unfolded a paper with lyrics and chords.

And right there and then, in the middle of Kenny Rogers, this two wonderful friend started serenading to a self composed song. I did not know what to react.

The song along with the thoughts that goes into it was so beautiful.

Thank you so much. I really don't know what to say, but thank you. =)

My first song dedicated to me and sung live!! Cool leh.

++

The following Wednesday (6th) I proceeded to watch the Red Kebaya (I love the story line) with Shok Chan, Yee Fun and Adeline, where they proceeded to buy be yummy carbonara and the movie ticket. :)

bought a fantabulous top as well.

++

This birthday was particularly tough for me, you see my family was never too big on birthdays. To make the whole story short, we don't celebrate them, and we don't even wish one another.

It's very hard for me because by the time I celebrate my birthday at the end of the year, I have already attended/ witnessed alot of birthday parties, where parents never fail to remember the day their child turn a year older.

Mother called me all the way from Australia to wish me and I lied to her and said that Dad is planning something when she asked. But in actual fact I knew that he did not.

I waited and rejected dinner plans with friends during my birthday hoping that we can at least go out for dinner as a family, but all we had was packed dinner at home separately.

Why did I ever allow myself the hope that this year will be different?
I really should have known better.

And how many more times must I tell and try to convince myself that it doesn't mean that my life is not celebrated by the people that mean the most to me.

It's really hard.

++

But then again, God celebrates and dances over me.

and let that be enough.

++

Gifts.

Thank you all for the love during my birthday and throughout the times I have known you.

Being Single

2006-12-08T17:15:00.000+08:00

gives people the impression that you are desperate.

It irritates me to no end when people judge a friendship based on your status.

I loathe the attitude where one goes "Eh, this friend of mine offers me a listening ear and her time with me to hear me out, she tries to help me whenever she can. eh she's single. she must be after me!"

*blood boils*

Why is it that no one can see that it is possible for women and men of pure intentions to have a platonic relationship?

Why must it always be, oh that girl is treating me nice, she's so into me.

Well, guess what, more often or not, we are so not into you.

We are just trying to be friendly, giving you help like what a friend would.

And do you realize that when you misinterpret our intention you are dousing the friendship with kerosene and setting it to burn up in flames?

I. am. so. fed. up. with. people. like. that. who. is. in. dire. need. to. get. some. sense. into. that. brain of theirs.

and it actually hurts when that person is a close friend of yours,
and when he actually avoids you and gives you the cold shoulder.
shouldn't he know you better after all this time.

*fumes*

then you should look him in the eye and say
"I thought you knew me better than that but I was mistaken. I never thought of you that way, never did, never will."

My fault of bad judgement.
My fault of trying to be a good friend to you.
My fault of being way too blind.

Sometimes I am so tempted to get attached just for the sake of eliminating these nonsence.

P/s: I am so NOT into ANYBODY - occational Narcissism excluded tho :P

Long ago [completed]

2006-12-03T03:07:00.001+08:00

There was a girl who grew up knowing only her father. The concept of mother was foreign to her, she never had one, or so until she was told that they were divorced and the woman that she visited periodically was her mother.

Having later migrated overseas, the gap between the mother and her girl widen even further, it was as if that her mother never existed. Mean while this girl continued to stay under the protection of her father, and there was this other woman in her father's life who later became a part of her family.

Having only her father growing up, this girl was very attached to her father, this changed drastically when her father re-married, her step mother was not the typical stepmother that you see in the Snow White story, it was just that she was not comfortable with the little girl always tagging along her father, bit by bit, the girl's world was filled with fear and uncertainty as words and phrases like 'stupid' and 'ugly' was showered on the girl.

But the most painful one was 'unwanted' because the girl took it as 'un loved'.

Barely a few months after her father remarried, the little girl was sent to a baby sitter, each day as she stood at the door and watched her father drive away, more and more she felt abandoned, she cried alot during her first few days until her baby sitter found a way to make her quiet.

Since then the girl was made to do multiple chores, and was caned and pinched if she was unable to perform the task to utmost perfection. Many times the girl hid her tears and her scars behind her clothes and her quiet demeanor, she mechanically obeyed everything that she was told to do. She knew that any questions would warrant another round of beatings.

This girl gradually grew further away from her father. He, being a man of few words, would always tell the girl to not cause him anymore trouble. The girl withdrew even further and learned the mechanism to shut down her feelings and forms of expressions, she tuned out her emotions and learned at that tender age that rejection was destined to be with her.

A few years later, the girl reached puberty, physical and verbal abused had been a constant companion of her life, hurtful words being flung her way, fat, ugly, useless, stupid, dumb, slut much so that she is able to absorb all without much of a bat of an eyelit, deep down she knew that her soul was dead.

The baby sitter also had a son in his late 30's, this son worked shifts and when the baby sitter was back in the kitchen cooking he would turn on videos with men and women naked and in awkward positions, the girl was in the living room and saw it all. First it was just the watching the tv, then there was a touch here and pinch there and a hand here and there.

Who could this girl turn to? How was she to know that she was not supposed to be fondled in that manner? She fell into deeper withdrawal and depression.

This girl, at the age of ten, decided that she would end her life there and then. It was not hard to decide as her soul was dead and her body was used. A tear slid down her cheek as she withdrew a chopping knife and raised it to her wrist. Long ago memories that she shared with her father came back to her. But they seem so far away, he seemed so far away.

Biting her lip to control the tears she lowered the knife and started to apply pressure, bit by bit, waiting for it to draw blood.

"I will take care of you"

The girl was startled by the voice and dropped the knife with a clang.

The voice that spoke to her was enough to make the girl turn back and start living again.
Nothing changed, words spoken to was as hurtful, and the touching continued.

But the girl was determined, she started to turn all her energy to her studies, and it bore fruit as her parents learned to trust her more with the good grades she brought home.

"Someday, I won't have to stay with the baby sitter anymore" that drove the girl to study even harder and sweep all the pain and her needs for affection under the rug.

"There is no need for people to love me, this is a dog eat dog world, and I will survive"

Stepping into secondary school was like a breath of fresh air for her, vowing to work extra hard, this girl quickly earned merits not only in her academic achievements but also in her participation in school clubs and societies. The girl pushed herself more and more, she made sure that her time table was packed with tuition classes and extra curricular activities. There was then no need to go to her baby sitter's place anymore.

She hated the people there for what they have done to her. and that drove her to study even harder.

Each night the girl would study until she was utterly exhausted so that she would fall asleep easily, and so that the demons from yesterday would not return to haunt her. No one could abuse her now.

But she started to abuse herself, old habits die hard.

Starving herself and throwing up her food was a norm, the girl surfed internet pornography to satiate her forbitten desires. You could even roll up the long sleeve of her school uniform and see the self inflicted wounds.

The all star student with a dark past and an even darker present, all hidden behind her cheery persona and her many capabilities to mask herself.

and to her, it's all about surviving.

Along the way she started to go to church, but she knew that the wholesome life was not meant for her. Stepping into church was like going into some lala-land, perfect families, where parents hug their children and give them all the attention. "smile girl" she told herself " You have to blend in"

But it got increasingly painful to go to church with a smile and yet see people having something that she never had. "This God must be one who loves these perfect people, I'm just not perfect to be here even." She thought to herself.

Somehow, as things progressed, this girl came to know another friend on the internet and they started exchanging occasional emails, as this friend was a Christian, she felt the need to 'christian-fy" herself to be his friend. So she started to read more of the bible and dress up her mails with 'Christian' things. She was lying her way to this friendship.

But as she studied the bible more she grew more disillusioned. "Maybe I'm just not cut out for the Christian perfection-ism" She thought "and I am tired of seeing people claiming to be touched by this God, but I feel nothing. Maybe I am just not meant to be a Christian, look at my past, look at what I am doing to my body now."

The rejection she felt was translated to being unwanted, but it was nothing new to her. Rejection was there all her life.

She stopped going to church. and vowed to only to become a child of God only if this God spoke to her directly that He wanted her.

Which He did.

Meanwhile, leaving the church with much rejection and bitterness further fueled her destructive lifestyle, all hidden under the cover of her straight As and mature persona, the girl started to look for acceptance else where.

And indeed she did, with grades like that and popularity that came along she was accepted, at least on the surface, no one knew behind her smile the tears she hid, slashing herself became a secret addiction along pursuing internet pornography and her eating disorder, she was spiraling downwards.

Why don't the girl turn to someone, you ask? The girl knew from her past that it was impossible for anyone to carry her burdens with her. People, often or not was meant to hurt her, she let no one into her life. The act of hurting herself is a way of telling herself that she is in control of her life.

To fill gaps in her life that neither achievements or friends, a boy came into this girl's life and she for once actually believed his love would bring her acceptance that she never had. This boy however broke her heart as she demanded too much. They stopped seeing each other.

Devastated, hope escaped her life and nothing was left in her. Like an empty shell she walked around, she used up all of her to look for love and it was not found, she finally understood the lesson that she was meant to not deserve love. From her parents separation, to her abusive background, to her self inflicted wounds, physically and emotionally. Was it not clear enough?

She however, continued to correspond with her friend by emails, in it, she reveal nothing of the true condition of her soul. She spoke nothing of her pains, but painted the same picture that she painted everyday, a well rounded, friendly girl.

So it came to pass where this friend had to leave the country to further his studies and so they met up, and like any first meet between strangers, it was awkward. But something happened that day. This girl, on her way home after they parted decided to make a detour to attend a Christian Concert event, as it was highly recommended by this friend and she reasoned that she would need the transport from another friend who was also at the concert.

She stood in the crowd and was feeling uncomfortable already, happy and wholesome people never failed to make her sad and pitiful. However, the band was good and the girl started to listen to the music, then as if someone was speaking to her.

"Why don't you let me love you?"

Her breath caught her throat as she saw a man with thorns as crown with tears streaming down His face. So shaken she was, she spoke little to her friend who send her home later that night.

Inside her room, she took out the dusty volume and started to pour over the life of this man.
She could not hold back her tears as she read of this man, who dwelt with sinners, who never pushed anyone away. This man who loved.

And she, there and then gave her broken and messed up life to the man who gave up His to win hers.

The path to recovery was hard for a girl who did not knew how to love or receive love.
But this man, the one whom they called Christ, took her hand and carried her through.

Many more tears followed, as this girl continued to face her demons.
And with equal pain. Christ thought her forgiveness and love.
Jesus gave this girl, not only a promise for the future but also strength for the present and acceptance for her past.

Painstakingly Jesus pulled out the thorns in her life and healed her wounds, He held her when she cried and went through all of her pains with her as she learned to give them all up to Him.

"I will take care of you" - Isaiah 46:4

What was told to the girl when she dropped her knife until today, was held close to the girl's heart as she learn to give and to and receive love.

I am telling you this story for her, that the past of her will be brought to rest and the experience and past pains will no longer come back to haunt her. So that there will be no more unspoken secrets and no more fear.

So that she will be able to fully embrace the forgiveness given to her by His grace and walk out of the shadows, bringing the darkness into light.

And as she placed a full stop on her past and takes up Jesus' hand, for her, there is no longer the need to find love, for love has found her.

I run for Life

2006-12-02T18:08:00.000+08:00

I run for Life - Melissa Etheridge

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To waken when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

[Chorus]

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

*jots*

Heard this song on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Melissa Etheridge is a cancer survivor.

Tears streamed down my face when I saw clips of her bald from Chemo performing on stage during the 2005 Grammy Awards.

Her courage was so inspirational

Many of us are survivor of many types, we had a bad past, a bad back ground, we make bad choices we stumble, and often or not, we are scarred by the experience.

We survive and wonder whats left for us?

whats left for a girl, raped and used?
whats left for a drug addict, body wasted and in pain?
whats left for us whose life, marred by sin and shame comes to a point of complete desolation?

Perhaps whats left is to keep on running.
For ourselves, for the sake of those whom our lives will impact.
and for the sake for Him who redeems us and wipe our sins clean.

And know that in this race called life, as hard as it is, we can never make it to the end alone.
The journey was meant to be traveled together.

Press on and run the race
Don't stop or slow down your pace
Aim towards the crown of life
To hear the words
"Well DOne Good and Faithful Child
Great is Your Reward!"
-Jonathan Chu-

Fine

2006-11-27T17:35:00.000+08:00

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide, cause it's you I miss,
And it's hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.

Would you tell me I was wrong
Would you help me understand
Are you looking down upon me
Are you proud of who I am?
Hurt - Christina Aguilera

I'm fine.

Whats wrong?

I don't know. But it doesn't matter.

It matters if it drives you away from me.

I'm just tired.

You always say that.

Because I'm always tired.

Then why the tears?

I don't know, it's not like I can control them when I am with You.

But the tears aren't for me.

I know.

and you won't let me come close.

Because it hurts when you do.

Don't you trust me?

I don't trust anyone. It's too hard.

I'm not just anyone.

I know that, but I just can't believe that.

Why?

I don't deserve to have anyone in my life to trust in.
My life is just too messed up.

How so?

Ever wished that you could do something to end the pain?
You just need to stop loving.

I did not make you like that.

But you predestined my destiny didn't you?
Why not just take my life in the very beginning then just to let me suffer like this now.

Because that is not what I have for you.

And it's hard to love you when at the back of my mind I have to grapple with the fact that you gave me this cup.

Remember the cup that I have to take?
I too wish that it was not given to me.

But you bore it.

Yes, because I saw your pain.
I don't want you to be alone.

I don't deserve your company, neither do I deserve such love.

Thats why it's called grace.
Don't push me away, I'm the only one you have.
and I can't bear to lose you.

Silence

有话说不出来

Ridiculous!

She

and it was gone.

Tremble

Tell

Damp

%&*&(*^%$%^

Vexation

Empty Voices

Farewell

Discontented, I am.

Silent Night

Sing Sweet Nightingale

Bemused

Twisted

Dreams, Kites and Beckett

Was Bored II

Where

It was night

Lullaby

Was bored.

If Onlys

In more ways than one

A broken wick

Bitter Tea

Tag

SIgnal Fire

It takes

Forgotten

Bubble wrap

The longest tag.

wordless

Volatile emotions.

For the tree.

Do not

Hidden

Later

Inside

Conversations

Mist

Overdose

You don't (might not) know

Come See

I wonder

Princess

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

A day

just

Today

Out of the blue

Sometimes

Teman Sejati

Silence

Crumbling Sand

By someone

Raise the curtains

I wonder

A spoonfull of sugar.

And I tought I could escape

The first funny post

Lithium

Cry a little, Die a little

Lent

There You are

Hurt

Pause

being busy

Do not fear

Hate

All things

Itenary of the day

Sometimes

What is becoming of me.

Let that be Enough

[5]Losing it

[4] one

[3] 菊花台

[2] Stranger

%&&(^%$%^